Nouvel an, nouveau moi, as they say over in the francophone realms of your earthling sphere. And my goddess, are they right! It is a new year in the christian calendar, and yes, whilst I may well be a pre-christian prophet from the hella fuego land of ancient Greece, I am no party-pooper and will not deny you sexy lot your quaint traditions. Manic lifestyle renovations, spiritual cleansing and promises of a more fruitful existence. That is what the New Year is all about about: new year, same human inability to practice any sustained measure of will-power. It is truly like watching a car crash happen in slow motion, year after year, as you each set yourselves up for inevitable failure, always so adorably optimistic.

Believe me, I wouldn’t have it any other way! I myself have started a rather successful business inspired by your tullurian shenanigans. For the past thousand New Years Eves, I have been the regaled host of a legendary bingo soirée at the Oracle Sanctuary of Delphi. All the hottest ancient Greek somebodies flock to the event in their finest snakeskin robes, to come and play by checking off soon-to-be-by-the-wayside New Years Resolutions made by the humans! It is a hoot! Last millennium, even Helen of Troy emerged from her woeful cave of wallowing, after all that nasty business with her ex-husband, Menalaus, and that Romanian centaur… Anyway! It is indeed the event of the season. And yes, you may beg for an invite, but it is strictly deities and ancient beings only, so you saucy lot will just have to make do with another round of predictions for the New Year…

AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18

Ding, ding, ding! Roll up, roll up, ladies and gents and non-binary folk! I believe Aquarius has scooped a gawd-damn hum-dinger of a planetary alignment this New Year! Yes, you all know what I’m talking about- or, at least, you Aquariuses probably have a faint feeling of superiority growing like wild fire, telling you that this month you will have the ultimate royal flush and are just waiting to lay it on the rest of the moral world. Yes, it is indeed Mercury, and yes, he is indeed in retrograde, and you better believe that it’s happening right here, in Aquarius on the 30th January! What does it mean? I hear you plead, wide-eyed and holding what looks to be a wired-telephone shaped like a banana? Well, to you I say : how the fuck should I know? Hey man, I’m just a psychic who happens to be *extremely* attractive, what do you want from me? All I do know, is that this little nugget of gold can be traded like social silver in your human bureau of affairs. Feel a little like shoplifting a flat-screen this month, but ultimately get caught because everyone knows that Aquariuses have absolutely no invisibility skills to speak of? Not a problem : just tell security that you’re feeling a little klepto this month because Mercury is in retrograde. Believe me, Aquarius, this is your golden ticket, the crowning jewel excusing any trip you may make into the realm of highly unacceptable behaviour this month. So, if anything, go wild this January, and remember : Mercury is in retrograde, so the world is your pearl-laden oyster! Go forth and prosper!

PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20

I have some rather good advice to dish out this month, Pisces, if I do say so myself. Beginnings are often a great chance to get a little introspective : so get out of that eBay hole you have fallen into over the Christmas period, and get back into the REAL online world, because trust me, you really do not need to be the brand new owner of a 1952 bespoke Danish milk jug. According to that super hefty bestseller I’ve noticed knocking about for the past few centuries, there once was a lad called Solomon, who just happened to be a King. He was also a bit of a bloody shambles, which means, of course, he was a Pisces. Nevertheless, he developed a somewhat genius and frankly, quite a psychologically questionable approach to decision making, where he would talk to himself in the third person, in order to gain a greater perspective on his own life. Can you imagine what a Lynchian nightmare the inner monologue inside his own head was like? Anyways, there may be some merit to be found in this line of thinking, Pisces, and I do urge you to practice what you preach in the New Year by gaining some much needed internal distance. Ooh, and don’t forget to wear some protective, ideally metallic, outerwear on the 16th, so as to combat all the negative external forces which may try and mess with your flawless aurasmic vibrations.

ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19

Oh, Aries. One of my fellow sibyls, a sista from another oracle mister if you will, came to me in the final hours of this year to tell me of a dream that she had about you. As this was top secret prophecy information, I am unfortunately sworn to secrecy and therefore cannot divulge explicitly the piping hot tea she spilled into my empty teacup about your upcoming year. But I can tell you that the faint back-note of jasmine was detectable, as well as the abundantly overpowering bitterness surrounding a certain red-headed someone and what they may or may not tell you about an appointment with a certain D-list celebrity they will have sometime in the spring. Alas, I cannot give away such well-kept psychic secrets, however, I can summarise that my fellow sibyl thinks that your elements have been notably basic this past year, and that the celestial molecules which make up your aura have been lacking much substance. All in all, Aries, if you were a contestant on I’m An Astrological Minion, Get Me Out Of This Algorithm!, you would need to start stirring the pot, and pronto, before the nation votes you off for being the most unproblematic of the star signs. 2020 may have been the year of the rat, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t break out of the year looking like a fabulous thoroughbred crufts champion! Woof, woof!

TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20

You may be feeling slightly unmotivated coming into this New Year, Taurus. And no one could blame you after the year that saw you suffering through more quality ‘inside time’ than a triple homicide convict. Believe me, I get it. I’ve not spent this much time confined within the walls of the sanctuary since my psychic initiation back in 600 AD. Now that was a wild ride. But I want to give you a wee bit o’ hope, a dash of vanilla-scented positivity and let you know that this is just a phase. Much like your dear pal, Brit, back in her umbrella-bashing, head-shaving days, you will have a come-back on the horizon this January. And whilst you may be doubting the legitimacy of such a prophecy as this, heed my words: you too, are in for a wild ride. Uranus is looking to be in a mighty fine position, and thus creativity will simply pour out of you faster than you can say, “It’s Britney Bitch”. And nothing says success like a meteoric rise to fame via a highly controversial online streaming platform. I myself have recently experienced the sweet, sweet taste of fame, as I was approached by a most prestigious publication and was asked to star in an auteur short film, promoting the benefits of wearing a lampshade on your head for increasing the cervical flow of energy. It was quite an underground sensation among the Bolshevik crowd- I believe they even plagiarized some of the shots for their own revolutionary propaganda! So you see, Taurus, things are on the rise! Just be ready when that phone call comes and the aliens tell you that they want to buy the rights to your breadbin pop jams to use in their new human-skin ads. Excitingggg!

GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21

Gemini, you are a super fly, fly guy, with two heads one eye, and frankly, this self-confidence/ schizophrenic Jekyll and Hyde thing you got going on will serve you rather well this New Year. New year, same old Gemini. I admit, it is all too easy to be swept away in all this ‘self-improvement’ horse shite, and unlike the rest of the singular molecules bouncing around the hemisphere, you Geminis have two lots of inner demons to battle against. This world is filled with temptation designed to lure you off this path of righteous minimalist ascendancy. January is a contradictory time, a confusing jumble of those possessing a will-power of steel, and those who should really just quit while they’re ahead. Luckily, you tend to fall into the former category, so January will be a breeze. Re-orientate your chakras, fill up that to-do list and always keep a stick of celery handy to help with the potential chocolate-related munchies.

CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22

Oh, sweet Cancer, after a tumultuous year that has encouraged your more hermetic and insular ways to prosper and thrive, I think that January will provide a much need refresher on how to reconnect with the rest of the human world. You will discover a mildly disconcerting affinity for Roger Waters in the New Year and will no doubt experience the cold-shoulder of those who underestimate your skills and general bodily cleanliness. And whilst the majority of the celestial sphere inhabitants do tend to amp up your sensitivity as a definitively negative attribute, they do forget your inner killer instinct and cat-like reflexes. It’s not easy being one of the more *emotional* star signs, but that doesn’t mean that you are all fluff and no bite. On the contrary, Cancer, January will be the time to unleash your claws and show those domineering zoom colleagues that you run this shit. Being all soft and squishy on the inside means that you know exactly when to pop the toaster and achieve the perfect not-too-burnt-but-not-too-pale piece of toast. And this is a vital skill, my friend, so don’t you go forgetting it. All those career-mad, high-powered Donald’s know nothing of sensibility (nor of human emotion), so take courage this January, and get ready to seize the power the best way you know how.

LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22

You are on the gosh-darn money this month, Leo. Despite what all your middle class hippy chums have told you about this dirty, dirty capitalist honey trap, I have a hunch that you will come to see that the M word may not be as bad as these society defects will have you believe. Plus, I will agree, it is rather hard to listen seriously to someone whose grandmother is the Baroness of Floreana, and whose haircut costs more than your entire existence. So, you will no doubt have to suck it up and listen when they tell you that : “Money is a suppressive mind control system used to stem the progress of the communist cat uprising.” Now, I am not implying that your fortunes will exponentially increase this January, however, what is the point of having all these nouveau-riche friends if you can’t emotionally exploit them for a new Hermès Birkin here and there? You knew full well when you stepped inside those hallowed university halls, that all you would receive upon leaving was, in non particular order :

1. A humanities degree – aka. the noose you may use to tie around your nonexistent career prospects
2. Debt, debt, and yes, you guessed it, more debt!
3. A bunch of bourgeois plutocrat Facebook friends

So, really Leo, the only logical plan of action for this New Year is to rinse your old drinking buddies for all they’re worth and try not to look too smug in your new Prada unitard.

VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22

Virgo, this New Year should see you working on your interpersonal relations with those in other, more distant areas of the celestial grid. Reach out and help a person in need, even if it is your sworn enemy: that proletariat hipster cat who lives next door. Seriously, how is it fair that even in this economy a cat- a four-legged creature who can’t even pronounce the phrase ‘secure investment’ without pausing to lick its own balls- has managed to jump onto the real estate ladder before you, poor Virgo. I know this blatant display of injustice really has twisted your melons, man, but face it : he’s young and hip, he owns a spiraliser, and he shops at Waitrose for Christ’s sake! These are the kinds of first time buyers that are really sweeping the housing market nowadays. But be patient and count the fortunes you do have. You are way hotter than a cat, and at least you possess opposable thumbs, so try not to be too salty the next time you cross paths- and at the very least, do not aim the hose so conspicuously at him when he’s licking himself in the front garden.

LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23

Libra, Libra, Libra. As the New Year flies in, so do your desires to perfect every inch of your physical being. If you were a Capricorn, I would take no issue with such an attempt at self-improvement. However, Libra, as you lack any basic shred of fascist-like commitment to the cause and possess an inordinate amount of chaotic energy, this health kick will inevitably manifest itself in a anarchic month, where you will vacillate between two drastically different lifestyles. The first will see you waking at 6am to tend to your sourdough starter, before embarking on a 10 mile ‘fun-run’ (tell me, why, why, must you humans lie to yourselves so?) and returning to consume what can only be described as a green gunk nightmare smoothie. The second will see you revert to a sloth-like existence, moving from your cosy tree branch only to nibble on bits of stale pita bread. Libra, this kind of commitment to such extremes is not the one for you, my dear. Instead, why not exercise some healthy left brain vs. right brain competition this January, and try your hand at the art of indoor off-ice ice-skating? Satisfy your desire for self-improvement by utilizing the skills you already have perfected : looking like a Tonya Harding style goddess (minus the assault speculation) and a pinch of imagination to turn your inner dwellings into an icy winter wonderland.

SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21

Natal Mercury will hit you hard in the New Year, Scorpio, and I mean Terminator’s abs levels of cosmic impact. Mercury has decided to go it alone this January, and has subsequently ditched all of those clingy, whingeing magnetic fields, leaving you (and the rest of the god-fearing planets) in the lurch. Often cited as the most spiritual and reflective time, this month will see you repelled by anything resembling kale, and refusing to give any surpluss fucks as you fly, dick to the wind (so to speak) and into the eye of the storm of your inner, slightly croissant-shaped psyche. Frustration and miscommunication abound. Scorpio, you endlessly fabulous yet emotionally unavailable bundle of ideas, you! Yes, this will be a creative period for you, no doubt, but be wary of the ways that you choose to express all of these crack-pot artiste pursuits. Words don’t come easy sometimes, and what with Mercury trying to convince everyone on her mailing list that she’s ‘made it’ in her new underground urchin dwellings, these words certainly will seem evasive for you, Scorpio. Endlessly articulate in your head, I know, I know- but what’s the use of such a rich internal monologue when you can’t find an adequate way to express it to the rest of the world? Exercise patience, give things time, and the situation will calm…. Yeah, right! Maybe last year I would have dolled out such wishy-washy pleasantries, but it’s 2021 and this psychic is a whole new bitch. It’s time to start articulating those deepest creative dreams, my dear Scorpio, and the sooner you find your voice, the better….

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21

This New Year, it’s time for you, Sagittarius, to be the leader of the fashionista rat pack. Adjustments are called for at this time of year, and especially this year, you will be faced with a desire for change greater than Tom Cruise’s desire to shed his human skin and reveal his true lizard form. However, I must advise against making the somewhat drastic, and wholly unnecessary, transmutation from bipedal mammal to an amphibious hunk of alien matter. Tom has the cheek bones for such a transformation, you, my friend, do not. Why not experiment further a field into the realm of scientific possibility? I know you are a sucker for a good old revival, Sagittarius, so why not see in the New Year in style, and bring back those long-forgotten fancy man shoes all the hottest Medieval courtiers were rocking? ‘Crakows’ or ‘Poulaines’ or ‘the personification of a foot fetishist’s wet dream’, whatever you call them in your neck of the woods, these bad boys are on the up and up. January is the time for new beginnings, for bold changes and the perfect opportunity to wow the online world with your truly vintage take on the future of footwear.

CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19

Capricorn, you are, indeed, stayin’ alive well into the New Year. You may be tempted to tote this motto like a badge of honour, as if simply being is something to applaud. The Buddha may disagree with me on this one, but I think you should aim a little higher than your current ‘zen’ and rather minimalist approach to life. And whilst you while away the days, sucking up the natural resources of this earth and trying to convince your Instagram story watchers (aka. your mother) that your value on this dying land can be found in your ability to reenact the entirety of The Notebook, I think it’s time for a reality check. And by that, I mean someone needs to surgically remove your flaxen sit-bones from that poor sofa. Come on, Capricorn, I know you have some passion, some drive, and perhaps even some latent mystical powers still bubbling about in that intestine of yours… So, what are you waiting for? Get to work and create something legendary this January!