Hello, sweet mortals. Sibyl here, coming to you from my superior metaphysical orbit. Now, I know you randy lot, as subservient to the Gregorian calendar as you are, have a soft spot for this particular month. October: the season of the witches, and the time for all the pagans to really let loose and express themselves without fear of social condemnation. Or persecution. Or whatever. But listen up : I am a busy #girlboss #girlboss

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This psychic does not have time to be walking you through the intricacies of the psychological torture and/ OR ritualistic dances which will be popping off all over the show this spooky season. The night market is happening over here in ancient Greece, and I am extremely busy preparing my annual leave. Not to mention the bicenturian arrival of the witches in Delphi. Seriously, I think it’s about time that our intern, Psychic Mike, retrained. I really could do with a PA. Anyway, inconsequential underlings aside, the sibyls and I have decided to get all up in the post-Christian satanic spirit, and give out some seasonally-spiced advice. Of course, fashion is not the opiate of the masses, rather, the product of the aesthetically superior. And so, as part of this sacrosanct elite, I only feel it is my moral astrological duty to help you out of your transcendental fashion coma. Prepare to be delete / destroyed, and then re-born as a gorgeous, historically accurate rendition of J-Lo, circa 2000 at the Grammys. You’re welcome.

AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18

When it comes to dressing up and showing out, you, Aquarius, do not shy from the opportunity to display to the humble plebeian populous that you know your way around laws prohibiting public indecency. Clothes are for the conformists, the law abiding citizens, the Capricorns of this world. Not you, Aquarius. You have a great ass, so why not show it off?

PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20

Now, I’m not trying to expose myself as an art enthusiast, just the proud owner of a couple dozen mortal lost works of art. You think the Mona Lisa always looked so frumpy? Ha! Once upon a time, when Leo was in his experimental art school ho phase, Miss Lisa was more glammed up than the girls on Drag Race season 7. I’m talking feathers, highlight, scantily clad from the waist up and snatched to the goddesses. But alas, Leo met a monk, got sober, and quickly reined it in to appeal to the high ups in Versailles. Anyway, all this to say, dear Pisces, that you should unleash your inner artistic genius this Halloween. Perhaps a Renaissance portrait is reaching, but maybe a Pollock would go rather nicely with your scaly complexion? After all, if that diva can spend all day slapping paint on an artisanal distressed floor, and calling it ‘art’, surely you can pull it off for one night?

ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19

Stick to what you know best this un-holy season. Turning up late, tipsy, perform your stand-up routine to a bunch of over-sensitive millennial digital nomads who have consumed too much ket to know who the hell you are, and then pass out peacefully in the pantry surrounded by many, many jars of Co-op red pesto.

TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20

Need I explain? I think not. Cast your mind back to 2002… ah yes, the good times…

GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21

Who said matching outfits are sooo 1765? Personally, whilst not a fan of organized group activity, I am partial to a co-ordinated outfit, when the mood is right, and Mercury has finally fucked off and left us all in peace. Gemini, it’s time to get your freak on. Halloween is the time to get scary, to release those inner demons and call them ‘festive’, or ‘historically accurate’, instead of calling it what it is: megalomania. October is looking to be the perfect time for you to exercise your inflated sense of self. My advice? Find a Leo with whom to concoct the ultimate slutty, vaguely blasphemous, two-piece costume.

CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22

You’re feeling pensive this time of the month. Things have not been escaping your attention, that’s for sure. Has anyone else spotted those suspiciously malignant looking hover crafts, floating all around downtown LA? I think not. Feel not the creeping paranoia, Cancer, dear. Tinfoil hats need not belong only to the hermetic internet forum types. You, too, can be a conspiracy theorist! Now whip out all of the landline connections in your home, and run out to Tesco before the Gemini’s buy up all of the tin foil for their post-apocalyptic, sexy ameba costumes.

LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22

Orange has always been a good colour for you. What with your strikingly voluptuous mane and perfectly manicured tail, it is no wonder that this particular hue has always had the ability to lift you up above the rest of the generally very poorly groomed population. And seeing as spooky season is upon us, I see no reason why you should not dedicate this entire, ghoulish month to memorializing how fetch you are in shades varying from tangerine to persimmon. In other, non-colour related advice, you may experience some tensions within your interpersonal relations. Anyway, enough about your relationship issues. I suggest a hat to go with that savant Halloween night ensemble.

VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22

Virgo, you punctilious fiend, did no one tell you that unlike in the normal world of office board meetings, this digital zoom-age does not in fact require you to factor in unforeseen travel delays? And so the fact that you have been showing up to these, frankly shambolic, disorganized zoom affairs an hour early, does not make you look more professional and ahead of the game. No, no, sweet Virgo, it makes you look like you are unable to tell the time correctly. Why not spice things up in these monotonous, mask bound days? I suggest a career change. Or an outfit change. I suggest the latter. Much less paper work. As for costumes? Go spicy.

LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23

Spookyyyyy vibes all around for you Libras. The New Moon comes full circle into your astrological dimension, presenting you with an undeniably strong desire to exercise the soon to be fully realized product of your most inward desires. Mars is giving you some seriously big dick energy this month, and I must say, it does suit you rather well! As always, Venus is playing an important role, strutting her way into the Virgo stratosphere, channeling some divine Ru Paulian energy, and Marie Kondo-ing all of that unnecessarily confusing office jargon you have stored up in that vault. I say subvert expectations this Halloween. Norm-core is the new hard-core. Box shirts, brown suits, non-descript jeans. Think mediocre middle-age white man.

SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21

Ever the insatiable crowd pleaser, this month you will be the one in centre stage and, I hate to break it to you, but you will be loving every single second of attention from an entertainment-starved population, who are just waiting to adore a mediocre alto singer like yourself! Who knew a Barrie White slow jam could sound so much like a pre-pubescent teenage diary entry, when sung at just the right octave. In case it wasn’t obvious, Scorpio, it’s time to make like Brit and capture the hearts of the masses with early 2000s low-rise jeans and strangled baby vocals.

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21

Sagittarius, you my friend are just a supernova trapped under the dead weight of thousands of miles of pressurized sea water. I honestly don’t know how you will cope this month! October will see you facing a far more dominant water sign, and you will, most egregiously, be forced to the abysmal depths of someone else’s emotional nonsense. It’s not easy being the world’s go-to confessional, I’ll tell you that for nothing! And I won’t lie to you, my dear Sagittarius, this month will be a particularity heavy one- so dress accordingly. Magnetic elements are advised- anything to attract some positive inter-costal movements. And bling. Lots and lots of bling.

CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19

Capricorn woman! This is a public service announcement, delivered to you first class from your favourite divine oracle sister: Stop boycotting bar chords. There are only so many times that you can play the same five, chordially safe slow jams before your flatmates will begin to notice, and subsequently be driven into a slow, unyielding insanity. And I can only but warn you, if you carry on in this Leopardian manor, they will be forced to silence you by covertly replacing all of your guitar strings with whole wheat, over-cooked spaghetti. But doomsday premonitions aside, you really should go all out this festive season. I’m talking all of the prints. Everywhere.