No more secrets.

Because, it turns out, that beneath every narcissistic front, beneath every megalomaniac and self-centred tendency, beneath every one of my flaws and capital sins, I am also able to tell the truth.

Without destroying the image you all have of me; the one I have carefully curated over the years of writing these horrorscopes, I want to finally address <<that thing we promised not to talk about>>. That is: the truth. And I know what you are thinking ( <<what’s truth got to do with anything? we came here for our horrorscopes>>) Well. The truth is that we have more in common than I have led you to believe. I also make mistakes, shop in convenience stores, listen to the radio, misplace my reading glasses, and hey, maybe drink a little more scotch than I ought to. Heck, I only started writing these monthly articles so that I would remember to pay my rent on time. What I’m trying to say is that, I am not a university educated prophet, not at all, I am just like the next guy. Your horrorscopes come to me in moments of caffeinated inspiration, they are not written in the stars, nor interpreted from dreams or oracles.This has been good for me. All this narrating, writing, constructing an almost fictitious version of things, turning it all into a story. But I knew this had to end when I read through this month’s horrorscope and really felt like crying: at once ceasing to be a person of the eternal future tense to be reduced to the sum of my parts: a knitted sweater vest, the evening news, a pipe resting on the mantel piece, a lost pair of reading glasses. So for now, that’s me signing off duty. It’s goodbye from me. (Goodbye) Yours truly, Psychic Mike

As for me, Psychic Sybil, I wanted to wish you all a happy new year bitches ! Its been a wild ride, but I think we should all start it the way we intend on spending it : hungover and penniless, full of resentment, with nothing but your grandma’s scarf for comfort. No, but, for real though. How did we end up here? To be honest, everything’s been out of whack since Mercury went into double retrograde and Mars started chatting me up at the staff Xmas party. Anyways, you mortals need not concern yourself with the details of this months horrorscope. Relax: Don’t make plans. There is no point. Its all very much up in the air. Up in the stars, I mean. Dont bother making any long term commitments- (what with Armageddon so imminent and the meteorite hurtling towards Earth at such speedy velocity- )

So for the moment: heed my words and accept kindly my gift to you all: live in the eternal present; (that is my eternal present).For as long as this current situation persists; there exists only two valid questions worth asking:

What am I going to wear today?
Where am I going to dance tonight?