Loyal fans will have noticed my brief period of inactivity following the events of the October full moon. For legal reasons, I am remaining silent on the matter, and on my whereabouts during that time. What I will say, though, is this: I’m actually done with you mortals and your earth-bound ways. For real this time. I mean it: I’ve just bought myself a Super-Off-peak-day-return ticket to Orion’s Belt in the Outer Milkyway. We leave at 3.03 in the fucking morning from the designated meeting zone on The Mound. (You know, near the crop circles?) Anyways, I can’t wait for the change in atmosphere; I need the break; and, frankly, I find myself gravitating towards aliens these days anyway. Hey, I know what you are thinking: Why is the moon so bright? It’s just going through a phase. Yeah, about that, I’ve also started dating again. Me and Timothy Chalomex are seeing how things go, but it’s early days, you know . Timmy’s always had a special space in my heart, I’ve always admired his perfect pre-teen hair and inspiring commitment to his teen angst craft. Oh, and he really is committed . In fact, he’s insisting on going all ‘method’ for his latest picture: an investigative food documentary about a lucrative Spice Melange pronounced ‘dune'( da-yoon). Otherwise I would have taken him with me on my weekend away to Space; but he insists on spending the whole of Saturday at home “getting to grips” with Za’tar, and the Peri-Peri spice mix, and all of Sunday “finding the top notes” in Dunn’s River Mixed Italian Seasoning. Hope its just a phase? Yeah, probably is, he’s only sixteen.

AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18

Hello Aquarius. I’m not gonna lie, but I’m a little surprised to see you here? I thought you were still filling all your time with self-prescribed ‘wellness’ activities? What are you doing on the shuttle bus to Space? I’m not sure Space will be totally your scene, to be honest. You know they don’t sell matcha lattes in Space, right? And Wi-Fi will be poor- at best- so you’ll have to miss your virtual ecstatic dance class . Warning: chakras may dis-align in the gestation period. And turmeric root enemas are a Big No- No (even if they are self-administered: ahem, especially if they are self-administered). So, with all that being said Aquarius, maybs just take a long hard look in the tantric well before your next late-night splurge on CBD infused soy milk. (The ‘C’ might stand for cosmic but I can assure you : there are no coffee machines where we’re headed). No coffee machines in Space? (Hang on a minute, maybe I haven’t quite thought this through….)

PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20

I cannot believe you have showed up here like this, totally out of the blue, least of all with your on-screen lover !! The cheek! Of all the times to appear in public together?! You choose 3.03 in the fucking morning at the designated meeting zone on The Mound!? Is this sabotage? Are you actually trying to ruin my life my solo trip in Space?! Timothy! HOW COULD YOU?! I thought you said you had to stay at home this weekend with the babysitters Garam Masala and Jerk Seasoning… When are you going to quit your whining, and get a real job ? Seriously, stop: I’ve heard enough for one night- I’ll have the rest in writing please, on a Word document, double spaced, Times New Roman, from your lawyer(s) to mine(s).

ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19

Hello handsome. Fancy seeing you here. No, this seat is not taken, make yourself at home. Hey, I don’t think we’ve been this close since….since…the October full moon….and I’ve missed you. I’ve missed your otherworldly beauty. I would ask if you come here often but I’m a little overqualified to be using that pickup line. After all , I am a University educated Psychic so I already know that the answer is: yes, yes you do come here often, Aries. In fact, you have started to hang around the crop circles on The Mound so much so that there is an entire Meadows Share thread dedicated to you. You should be proud of yourself, Aries. (If you are even still going by ‘Aries‘ and not ‘Sexy Alien Man Spotted Outside New College‘, or, my personal favourite, ‘Sexy Alien Man Spotted Outside New College AGAIN‘ )

TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20

Stop crying darling Taurus, no amount of tears can save you now. You have got your self in too deep, and there’s no way out. Your new found carnivorism is no longer something that should be denied or suppressed. Just settle in and enjoy the ride. Stop time-wasting and get a grip invest in a deep fat fryer! Like I said, there is no backing out now. It might also be a good time to grow a back bone. And a moral compass. And a work ethic. Because if not you will be doomed to spend the rest of your acting career being type-cast as a manic pixie dream girl quirky best friend psycho bitch. And then you will defos have to cut your hair.

GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21

Gemini. Just like the International Space Station is singlehandedly responsible for getting NASA to Mars, you have worked tirelessly to define and test the human skills needed for aliens to assimilate into Earth societies since first contact in the 1960s. I salute you, Gemini. Your contribution to the discourse on inter-galactic exchange has been quite invaluable. According to your latest paper on The Blinking Habits of Human-passing Slitheens, we really aren’t that far away from enlightened societal change that you strive for. The Sybils and I thank you. Everything from testing out the impact of sensory deprivation on astronauts’ ability to fly long-haul missions (by restricting access to their daily quota of Two Cappuccinos down to one oatmilkflatwhite); to understanding how spacecrafts can dock in orbit around the Moon (when on hotwash spin cycle); to perfecting re-entry and landing methods; it all adds up: your research has been greatly appreciated and shall not go unrecognised. That is why your name -GEMINI- will now appear on the Earthling Honours List amongst other knights, dames, and other teen pop sensations appointed by the Slitheen World Order for acts of gallantry towards servicemen and women, and civilians.

CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22

Missing: Has anyone seen this man? Last sighting: Edinburgh Christmas Market, haggling for a half-priced Bratwurst due to lack of funds in light of the events of the October full moon. If you’re out there, Cancer, and are hearing this Public Service Announcement, please report yourself to the relevant Slitheen authority.

LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22

Why did you think there were 32 days in November? There are never 32 days in November. Literally has never happened before. Do you not have the Slitheen lunar calendar chipped into your brain like the rest of us ?

VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! YOU GOT THE PART!!!! After months of stagnating in the back-catalogs of B-list Talent Agencies, your CV has been plucked out of the abyss of showbiz bureaucracy once and for all. So this is it. Your 15 minutes of fame. Four years at RADA and three Edinburgh Fringes later ; and you are finally going to have something to show for it. Get out the cava, Virgo, you are going to be an extra in a cereal ad!!!!!! Its time to put your gluten-intolerance on hold and do some real method-acting. There’s a relevant Youtube playlist I will link your way. Video title: “POV- It’s summer 2015, you’re face to face with a bowl of cheerios- but this time, you’re the villain.”

LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23

Libra, you dirty stop-out! While the rest of the earthling world is unhappily chaining themselves to the 12m² of their over-priced city apartments, you sneaky lot are busy mapping an underground tunnel system from which to host your epic Project-X NYE extravaganza. The mole-rat life is not something you might have predicted for your last month of 2021. I, on the other hand, knew all along that there was a ground-dwelling instinct laying dormant in your squishy, human insides. Much like those freaky animated foxes who feature in the Wes Anderson cannon, you are taking matters into your own hands, and digging for your goddamn right to par-tay. And whilst the current major political leaders do in fact strikingly resemble Slitheen Lord I, Slitheen Lord II and Slitheen Lord III , I think you should take a hot sec, put down that bloody shovel and examine the state of affairs in your own spiritual aura.

SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21

Oh Scorpio. Forget the sting in your tail: I can see the fuego in your eyes. Like, quite literally. Are they supposed to look like…that? Is it contagious? Or is it just another one of the post-ironic /post-concussion side effects?

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21

Right, Sagittarius. It’s time to STOP justifying your chaotic new habits with unironic ‘Wine-Mom’ slogans. Don’t get me wrong; the ‘It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere’ can to some extent rationalise your newfound penchant for day-drinking. But you CANNOT, however, apply the same logic to explain your frantic online shopping sprees. Do you really want to go on like this? Screaming ‘Its Fashion Week somewhere’ at the top of your lungs as you slam your laptop screen down after 36 hours looking for double-breasted pink space suit on ‘Ebay’ (-pronounced “ei-bei” ?? or “eh-bye?” -I can hardly keep up)…. Anyway, the point is….I’ve had a peek forward into the Autumn/Winter 2021 trends and I can tell you that, Spoilers:**** the hot-pink space helmet/goggles combo SUPRISINGLY is not a trend that I would invest in. Why not save up those scooby snax and treat yourself to a good-old fashioned bottle of mulled buckfast? Now, that is money well spent-and I’m sure some of the other Wine-moms free-falling through space right now would agree…

CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19

You really are getting into the festive spirit, aren’t you? Since when was it socially acceptable for to sing Christmas songs before Jesus ceremoniously *takes the wheel* on the first of December? Oh, and B.T.W: Mouthing “I love you” at the end of semester Zoom meeting with your hot-evil-hot dissertation supervisor is not going to compensate for your profound lack of secondary sources. How about you just do the reading next time? And stop wearing your Xmas jumper inside out- I can literally see your vital organs….