Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthly Horrorscope | February
Oh, what a pickle you tellurian lot have gotten yourselves into! The earth is burning, people are rioting, and no one has yet stopped these foolish shenanigans and taken the time to compliment me on my new ostrich feather bolero jacket! What is the world coming to? And you think that you’ve got it bad? Hah! Give me a break! Over here in ancient Greece, things aren’t looking too hot. This climate change nonsense you lot have apparently forgotten all about has decided to expand her empire. Unsatisfied with simply harassing the mortals with her awful outfit choices and unbearable artistic outbursts, she has now taken up residence in the bloody oracle sanctuary, of all places! Apparently, the Oracle likes to dabble in environmental disaster and destruction, now and again, and has taken the wretched mare as his mistress! It is quite the scandale. They have been spotted all around town, causing all kinds of unseasonable arctic temperatures and earthquakes. One of my fellow sibyls informed me that they were even sighted hitting the temple strip last Friday night, making a pit stop at the new greco-carribean pop-up restaurant that Helen of Troy started in a post-divorce crisis, and refusing to abide by the 75 metre distance rule! The audacity of it!
Honestly, all this February chaos is making me envy you humans- would you ever have guessed that such blasphemous words would come out of these luscious lips? But, there we have it : the ancient world has officially crossed over into cuckoo land. At least down there on that pitiful earthling sphere, you have Billy Porter as your one, saving grace. All we have over here is Helen’s butchery of cross-cultural cuisine, and a flurry of has-been philosophers trying to make a quick buck by selling homemade face masks in the Agora. It’s carnage! Boy, am I thankful to have such a stable and prestigious career to get me through. With that said, let us journey on down to see what’s shakin’ for you humble heretics in the month of February…
AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18
Aquarius, you are glowing this month! Perhaps it is all that super speedy ultra fast jazz yoga you have been doing, or maybe it’s the gua sha you have been religiously pummeling your face with. Or, perhaps it is simply the knowledge that you will achieve a higher state of being this upcoming February. And no, I am not referring to the fridge jenga that you will participate in as if it is an Olympic sport, and not the early warning signs of an obsessive compulsive desire to re-orientate the magnetic force field around the preservation, consumption, and aesthetic quality of shacked cheeses. No, no, dear Aquarius, this is something different. You will be reaching a plain that no mortal being- save for the Dali Llama- has ever before reached. Forget the constraints of the earthly realm. February will see you ascending to new spiritual heights : gone will be your ephemeral being, and along with it, the trails and tribulations of such a sub-par, reality TV existence. Herbs and spices will become your closest allies; dried chilies will give you great insider trading advice; and, most importantly, your parsley will be greener, fresher and all over superior to that of any other parsley in the land. Remember, Aquarius : with great spiritual power, comes great outfit choices… and THE CATEGORY IS…
PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20
Pisces, dear, we all know that your mode is mutable. You may feel like playing all kind of slippery mind tricks with the generally intellectually challenged general public this month, but I must warn you, there is indeed some fishy business going on behind closed Number 10 doors… and they may be in the midst of negotiating the future of your embryonic newt babies. Will they be fished by Scottish fishermen- by French, or Norwegian? We just cannot say for sure. Well, I can say for sure, I am a psychic for goddess’ sake! But, this month, I think I would prefer to let you stew in some hot water, sitting back to watch the pandemonium ensue from the safety of my newly renovated sanctuary pent house suite. Bonne chance, ma chérie!
ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19
If you were a playing card, Aries dearest, you would be an eight. The suit is irrelevant, seeing as you are currently riding out the seventy-fifth wave of this pandemic, and so suits, along with offices, the daily commute, and inappropriate work place flirtations, are now officially defunct. The 8th February will bring about some opportunities for a reversal of your current misfortune. It may come in the form of a rogue paratha that has been sitting, sorely neglected and slowly collecting an icy winter coat, in the back of your freezer. Cherish this unexpected finding. Avoid accepting dinner party invitations from strangers you encounter on your sanity conservation walks. This is not, as your better, more trusting side may believe, a thoughtful and much-anticipated sign of the true compassion of human kind. No, no. Now may be the time to release your inner skeptic; that deep-dwelling misanthrope who lives under the stairs of your kidney. Trust no-one this month, Aries- that is, unless they’re looking kinda peng still, and you are perfectly happy to gamble that the mask portion of their face will make (and not break) this irrational, highly sexually frustrated, imaginary species of perfection.
TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20
Taurus, haven’t you heard the good news? The Oracle has spoken, and it seems that in this cybernated society, you- YES, YOU- have been chosen to be the voice of your generation, the bard of the medieval revival, the poet laureate of Indoor Anticland. Now, now, don’t go getting all hot under the collar. This is a true honor: to be selected from the celestial cesspit, and nominated as the best (and most readily available) star sign to be the gossip girl of this socially inept, square eyed generation! How wonderful! It may seem daunting to begin such an intrepid journey, but fear not! I am here to guide you through this month, and I thought that this hot new, tellurian música I discovered when trolling the online video streaming realm, could provide you with some much needed inspiration. Do not be intimidated. I hear that she is a fellow Taurinienne bratha, and so you should consider this friendly competition, and not a spartan to-the-death combat for the patenting of intellectual property. On that note, Taurus, please find some appropriate method of eyebrow gluing this month- your right brow will refuse to stay in its own lane. Ignoring all governmental advice, it will try to initiate some bachata sensual with the poor, rule-abiding left brow. February could become quite a messy affair if you don’t nip this behaviour in the bud, and fast.
GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21
Gemini, you are looking shit hot this month! A fortuitous encounter with a government official will result in a favourable change of luck for you. February is cold and wet, but you will care not one toss for this damp squib, seeing as said fortuitous encounter with Jer- urm, I mean an unidentified high ranking governmental figure, will indeed have you balls deep in some seriously geeky tech equipment, enabling you to live out this month in the confines of your crack-den bedsit, making lo-fi beatnik ska tunes to sell to Bosnian soundcloud artists. A lucrative business, no doubt, and far more energy efficient than when the state of California went to war over eggs. However, Gemini, nominated as the celestial nation’s problematic fave (second year running) – how are you really doing this month? Egg strife and future bedroom trap hits aside, this month may be the time to get all reflective, and shit, ya feel me? Productivity will indeed take you to the shiny pot of gold on the other side of the cosmic rainbow, but will reaching that fortune mean anything if you can’t think of a single witty or socially valuable thing to say to the leprechaun who guards it? Just something to think about this month, Gemini.
CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22
Oh, Cancer, what will you do this month? For one, the weather will not be on your good side. Storms, tsunamis, celestial missile landings- you name it, and it will be there to ruin your good hair day. Luckily, you clever mortal folk have a rather nifty invention to keep such soul-destroying events from ruining your entire life. I believe it is called an umbrella, am I pronouncing that right? Should it sound more violent? More vengeful and self-congratulatory? Anyway, I heard that Rihanna gave it a rather glowing review, a few Gregorian calendars ago, and so I thought that it might be something you would like to consider employing in your life this February. I know that you are a squishy old thing at heart, Cancer, and these bi-weekly meteors are not doing anything for your self esteem. Try to work on a plan of action, get into some good old fashioned list making, and you will begin to feel a lot better about these little whirlpool floods in the road.
LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22
People are complicated. And this month, it may feel like everything and everyone are just big, fat inter-dimensional black holes, put here on this wretched earth to suck the life from your very veins. Believe me, Leo, I get it. Humans are indeed a complicated clump of molecules. Even these so-called ‘friends’ and ‘family’ can sometimes seem like the physical embodiment of a bad acid trip come back to haunt you. You, ever unstoppable Leo, will try to dole out some sage, and only slightly morally unethical, advice to these sniveling bipedal peeps. And whilst you (for once) may be entirely well-intentioned with your sub-par psychic readings, I must warn you that these wise words may not be enthusiastically received by all of your peers. In fact, I would recommend wearing full face-protecting gear out on your daily urban rambles. Just to be on the safe side. I would also advice that, coming into this new month, you drop this second-rate sibyl cos-playing. I hate to break it to you, Leo, but I am one of a kind- ask any of the other sibyls, and they will tell you (entirely uncoerced) that I am the only psychic of merit in this universe. So, quite frankly, back the fuck up, and, much like Taurus’ randy eyebrow, stick to what you are good at, and stop trying to add to an already saturated predictions market.
VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22
Virgo, it seems to me that you are taking this ‘new year, new me’ thing a wee bit too literally. I had thought that January would have been more than sufficient time for you to get all of this transfiguration shite out of your system. But, alas, here we are, February 1st, and you are still a giant cat. Listen, Virgo, I know that you were having some friction with the new next door neighbour last month, but I didn’t encourage you to literally *metamorphose* into his own species, only, about 5,000 times larger. It all seems a little blown out of proportion to me. I know Ovid created a rather successful career off the back of some distantly related titular scam, but that joker couldn’t even hold a quill straight! Now look at yourself, Virgo- you can’t even get back into your own house because you do not now, nor have you ever owned a cat, and thus have no cat flap to sneak your way back inside. This is no laughing matter. You have crossed over the line of acceptable behaviour and officially entered feline territory. I am sure this all stems from some deep, lingering childhood trauma involving a trampolining birthday party, but unfortunately, I will never be able to confirm or deny this diagnosis, seeing as none of the reputable psychologists are currently accepting cat patients. This is a mess all of your own making, and I have just painted my nails with Cosmic Orgasm, so am unable to help you at this time. Why don’t you… I don’t know, find a mouse to harass or something? And come back to me when all this business is resolved.
LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23
Libra, the witching hour has come. It’s time for you to get in touch with your wildest self and let your inner witchy spirit free! Believe me, now is not the time to hide your powers from the world. I know that group seance sessions are probably out of the question this month, and it might be a little tricky to procure for yourself a black cat on such short notice (unless you are acquainted with a Virgo)… but you are a resourceful minx, Libra, and I know you will find a way to let the spell-casting fly, even if you must employ the dark forces of Tumblr to do so. I myself know a few witches who are currently riding out this pandemic in a mystic co-op, situated in a converted cave-duplex in the easternmost mountains of Sweden. I spent a summer there, a millennia or so ago, and I must say, those witches know how to get down and dirty with the sweet, sweet alpine vibrations. Check them out on last year’s Witches Got Talent- their kulning folk choir really was quite magical. Plus, if you look real close, you might catch a glimpse of yours truly, who gave a rather exceptional and heart-wrenching performance on the triangle. Look these bad gals up in the mystic pages- @The Witches of Eastern Sweden™. Although, I believe they may have had some rebranding, after an unfortunate incident with the kidnapping of some native fuckbois, on which they performed a particularly nasty variety of experimental incantations… Anyway, slanderous lawsuits aside, I know how you appreciate some soulful pagan jamz to put on in the background whilst your ready your ritual sacrifices, so February will be the time to discover some new sounds and get those spiritual juices flowing! Oh, and yes, the hat is mandatory.
SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21
You will be baring it all this month, Scorpio. Thanks to an influx of airy energy from a randy Saturn who has been getting all geometric in Aquarius, this February will see the winds of change blowing you, and all your worldly possessions, into disarray. You will be challenged in these uncertain and ever changing times. You may feel the pressure to loose the shirt all together, and give up these capitalist honey-traps, in favour of a more simple, nudist existence. And, yes, whilst we all know that you, Scorpio, have the ass for such an au naturel lifestyle, don’t let your desire for escape overwhelm the rest of the things going on in your life. I am quite aware that your ferocity is indeed the ruby in your diamond-encrusted milky way, but I’m not so certain that you have acknowledged that this border-line harassment commitment to freedom of expression has, in fact, gone too far. I’m all for some women’s liberation, Scorpio, but are we quite sure that hollering down the road at the postman to ‘GET YER KIT OFF’, is the right way to express such a delicate sentiment? February may be the time for you to take a chill pill, and put on some clothes. I know for a fact, that you, Scorpio, are not sunning it up in the Bahamas, nor have you joined a nudist colony, so, pray tell, why are you foregoing the comfort and warmth of clothes when it is in fact snowing outside, and no one on the street actually asked to be greeted by the sight of your bare buttocks? Just some things to ponder this month…
SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21
Sagittarius, I am telling you now : do not sign it. I know, I know, you have been feeling lonely and unfulfilled as of late- but please, I beg, do not do what it is you are thinking of doing, this upcoming Thursday. DO NOT SIGN IT. OK, capisce? Good. Now, in case you are doing that passive-aggressive, tell-me-what-I-want-to-hear-just-to-appease-me thang, let me tell you a little story. I once knew a young fellow, let’s call him… Clyde. Now, Clyde was in a little trouble with the law; nothing major, a few stolen beetroot crops here and there, but he too thought all his woes would dissipate with the signing of that one piece of paper. Clyde (a Sagittarius, of course) did not listen to my very wise and excellently translated words, and instead, signed his name in Times New Roman, like a fool, and look what happened to him! They took all his money, and indoctrinated him into a life of believing that he was truly an alien lizard sent to earth to shed his human skin and release his true form, along with all the other deranged celebs with more money than sense. You don’t want to begin this new month in that state, now do you, Sagittarius? Exactly, so put the pen down, and why not pick up a more fruitful hobby? Like roller skating!
CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19
This February will be hard for you, Capricorn. I won’t sugar coat it. You will indeed be chatting veraciously with your intergalactic pen pal, Saturn, and this will only serve to ground you even further to the monotonous reality of life. Already fastidious in your dedication to #keepingitreal and throwing *extremely* orderly dinner parties, your overly analytical tendencies will become overbearing, making you seem to friends and colleagues, like quite the Debbie Downer this month. They fantasize about spring in Amsterdam over raucous zoom pub quizzes, but you, Capricorn, are quick to burst the bubble of hope, and tell it like it is with cool calculation and an outstanding lack of social wherewithal. A sociopath would be envious of your ruthless deflation of such fantastical lockdown dreams. This practicality is perhaps just what the world needs this February- or at least, that’s what you will tell yourself, after another online drinking game is disbanded following your brutal refusal to join the follie, and ignore the impending cosmic doom that is knocking at your astrological door. They might call you a gluttonous cynic behind your back, but hey man, someone has to remind these whimsical Amélie types that they are not in fact, residing in a technicolour Disneyland! You are performing a public service, dear Capricorn, and this month I say, don’t stop killing those fanciful delusions of mask-free travel and world peace!