I have been thinking a lot this month about the notions of fate and free will. Perhaps it is my age showing and those rebellious few years as a groupie for The Heretical Hellians in the late Byzantine period are finally catching up with me. Or perhaps I have simply been reading too much into the mortal media, and you lot are finally getting in my head, messing with my psyche, turning me on, and just causing all around havoc for this pre-christian prophet. So much so, that I had to take a bit of personal time last month. After spending the entirety of last month sunning it up below the equator and getting all of the skin cells on my face repasteurised by Kefalonean monks, I must say that I am feeling fresh, energised, and let me tell you, I look positively biblical. Seriously, I haven’t looked this good since 1895. But, luckily for you mildly attractive tellurians, I am of course back, and practically bursting with doomsday prophecies and benevolent reckonings. So, settle in, and let auntie Sibyl steer you on the straight and narrow for the upcoming month of March.

AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18

Oh, Aquarius, a storm is a-brewing (and no, it’s not in your pants). Recently you have been grabbing life by the proverbial balls, and I must say, this freaky quasi-rebirth is not going unnoticed in the ancient world. Your creative pursuits will truly flourish and I see a healthy ceramic habit festering itself in your cerebral vortex. However, I must warn you that these harmless pottery antics are starting to smell like the beginnings of an Etsy start-up, and Zephyr, head honcho over at that mildly successful, artisanal wind turbine concept store, Blow Me, is getting rather miffed at the suggestion that you might be ‘coming for his brand’. Now, that buffoon may indeed be the product of a lifetime of nepotism, and an over-confidence that borders on manic schizophrenia, but he ain’t no fool when it comes to revenge plots. Be careful, Aquarius, and watch where you place your sculpting tools. Creativity may be leaking from your every visible orifice this March, but do not neglect the presence of your finished creations. Zephyr may be sending some blustery warnings through your neck of the woods, and before you know it, your sexually explicit plant pots will resemble the ruined remains of an antique shops after hosting a rigorous Cuban salsa class.

PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20

Please. Stop. Playing. Devil’s. Advocate. Have you got that, Pisces? Just stop. Specifically during breakfast time debates on the Nature of Creationism. Your flatmates aren’t interested. Quite frankly, you are too hungry to really understand the concepts you are trying to defend, let alone know where to apply “The Chicken or the Egg” analogy appropriately. It’s way too early in the morning, and we all know that a true Devil’s advocate can’t function on an empty stomach (or at any other time of day at which Devil-ed eggs or Smashed Advocat-o on toast might actually be present. What can I say? You’re not you when you’re hungry). Because rather than cracking the paradox of creationism, your lively one-sided** debate is much sooner going to degenerate in a fully fledged toast-flinging tantrum. So I strongly advise against scrambling your words over half-boiled ideas. Creationism will take care of itself, don’t you worry. How about an omelette? ** And yes, that’s butter-side down: don’t say I didn’t warn you, Pisces!

ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19

CC: Hecate (big.boss.Hecate@greece.org)

Subject: fake doctor’s notes and potential passwords

The month ahead carries a great channel-crossing Odyssey. And as we know: these are trying times to be undertaking a voyage. My advice? Get your paperwork in order. And keep up to date with your weekly libations to Hecate, Goddess of the crossroads. Only she can help you now, Aries, because quite frankly, you are going to need a divine helping hand on the journey ahead (Don’t worry, I’ve CC’d her into this thread). Other Top Tips include brushing up on ALL potential answers for the passcode at Customs. I’ve heard that Cerberus has taken over the border control and is now only letting in business travellers or those that can correctly respond to his riddles. (He’s been on a power-trip since Hades Fest 2020 and is now acting like an actual troll-under-the-bridge). Serenading him might work though, otherwise I suggest you prepare for all possible scenarios (so, revise his mother’s maiden name, gender of his first pet, hometown, date of graduation etc. ). Caution: all mistakes face access-denial, or worse, feet for hands.

TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20

Right, Taurus. It’s time to *STOP* justifying your chaotic new habits with unironic ‘Wine-Mom’ slogans. Don’t get me wrong; the ‘It’s 5 o’ clock somewhere’ can to some extent rationalise your newfound penchant for day-drinking. But you CANNOT, however, apply the same logic to explain your frantic online shopping sprees. Do you really want to go on like this? Screaming ‘Its Fashion Week somewhere’ at the top of your lungs as you slam your laptop screen down after 36 hours looking for double-breasted pink satin ball-gown on ‘Ebay’ (-pronounced “ei-bei” ?? or “eh-bye?” -I can hardly keep up)…. Anyway, the point is….I’ve had a peek forward into the Autumn/Winter 2021 trends and I can tell you that, Spoilers:**** the ball-gown SUPRISINGLY is not a trend that I would invest in. Why not save up those euros and treat yourself to a good-old fashioned bottle of Cava? Now, that is money well spent-and I’m sure the Wine-moms out there would agree…

GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21

I don’t want to rain on your parade, Gemini dear, but this whole ‘identity theft is not a real crime’ nonsense you have been spouting is going to come back around and bite you on the ass. Just because Kim decided to get jiggy with judicial matters, that doesn’t now mean that the legal system will be as easy to evade as closing your laptop on episode 562 of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Your good looks and disconcerting charm will not protect you from the cold, hard hand of the law. And neither will trying to flee from this mortal realm on roller skate, leaving your geriatric land lady to deal with the soiled remains of your Newington bedsit, and centuries of unwarranted karmic guilt from believing that she was indeed the culprit who committed all this fraud. ‘ON THE LAMB’ is not a witty Facebook status update, and you might like to know that hell will not resemble the recently refurbished interior of your favourite Wash&Go, which was taken over by a group of reincarnated Cathars. You have drive, Gemini. I mean, for goddess’ sake, there are two of you! So stop living like an underground gremlin and get some goddamn vitamin D into that light-deprived skin of yours. March marks the beginning of Spring™, so don’t let this irrational anxiety regarding the whereabouts of the nearest precinct keep you in the dark. Good things come when you least expect them – and they are always more likely to check you out if you ditch the silicone and start accessorising. Come on, Gemini, have a little self respect and wear a beret every now and then.

CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! YOU GOT THE PART!!!! After months of stagnating in the back-catalogs of B-list Talent Agencies, your CV has been plucked out of the abyss of showbiz bureaucracy once and for all. So this is it. Your 15 minutes of fame. Four years at RADA and three Edinburgh Fringes later ; and you are finally going to have something to show for it. Get out the cava, Cancer, you are going to be an extra in a cereal ad!!!!!! Its time to put your gluten-intolerance on hold and do some real method-acting. There’s a relevant Youtube playlist I will link your way. Video title: “POV- It’s summer 2015, you’re face to face with a bowl of cheerios- but this time, you’re the villain.”

LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22

There is a question I’ve been meaning to ask you for some time, Leo. Are you having a quarter-pounder-life-crisis? Or have you always been such a lazy cook? One look at the slow-motion hay bales in your fridge and the chaotic-evil energy permeating from your trash-can would confirm both of the above. Luckily, Sybil is here to give your some prophetic guidance. Did you know a cow dies every time you block the toilet? Try adding some fibre to your diet. When was the last time you considered a vegetable? Now: when was the last time you ate one? No, smartarse, the mushrooms growing out of your mouldy bathroom don’t count. (And no!!!!!!! the potato skins in your basement/ accidental vodka distillery absoloute.ly don’t count either. EWW. )

VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22

Hmmmmm….Perhaps I just need to change my privacy settings but I keep falling victim to targeted advertising on Face-scroll. Specifically, targeted advertising for your FUCKING SKATE-WEAR LINE. How many times have I told you, Virgo??!!!! I will never invest!! Appropriating work-wear as street-wear might still be socially acceptable in some parts of South East London. But here in Ancient Greece, that shit just doesn’t fly. Your obvious obsession with McDOnalds branding is cute, and based on the fact that most skaterboyz arent old enough to remember RonaldMcDOnald-gate of 2005, you might actually have a chance with it. But I, personally, cannot condone the fundamentally unhealthy lifestyle choice you are trying to perpetuate with it all. We have to look after the young’uns. How about shin pads? Or a new range of helmets??

LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23

The full moon at the start of the month is going to catch you off-guard, Libra. And before you have time to say ‘Freak Friday’ your are going to be swept away in a full-blown “Throwback Thursday.” Point of View: You wake up in an entirely different body, and, catching a glimpse of your authentic crotchet (crotchless) flares and red wooden platform sandals, it would appear that your long-term wish for time travel has FINALLY COME TRUE!! Unsure whether your current non-descipt hazy 1970’s environs are real or just the product of too many study drugs, you decide to kick yourself in the (bare) ghoulies. When you finally come-to, your personal tutor is calling you on Teams to discuss your dissertation proposal. It is only now when you realise you have spent the past 72 hours in exactly the same spot in the 50 George Square resource room.

SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21

Poor Scorpio. With the unseasonal snowfall at the Parthenon this February, Uranus is still recovering from the frostbite. That being said, Scorpio, there really is no excuse for your commitment to taking twice-daily hot baths. Don’t forget this is Ancient Greece and bathing (on THAT scale) is not going to be socially acceptable for atleast another imperial generation. XXXCLICK HERE TO SEE HOT YOUNG ROMAN SOLDIERS IN THE ROMAN BATHSXXXX Besides, your bathing rituals are complicating your professional life, and even after Uranus has re-alligned, you are still determined to conduct all business transactions from The Tub itself. Now, that wouldn’t be an issue if your analog Midi Keyboard selling enterprise didn’t involve so many live wires. I cringe to think of the dangling USB cables trapsing through the soap suds as Ur-anus slides from card-reader to till. Luckily your customers have seen it all before.

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21

A recent run-in with the Theban Plague has left you with a very limited sense of smell. But fear not, Sagittarius: a few Reddit forum threads later and you will be putting together a plan of action for re-introducing your schnozzel to society. Remember, when trying to re-engage your nostrils, it is important to start small. Action point one: try and gain access to a small animal. Preferably a domesticated cat or a Parisian handbag dog (Standard sized:0,5 m squared- Deposit: 200,000 euros per month). Now, relax yourself, deep breathly. And engage your nostrils on the remarkably potent aroma of the aforementioned’s farts. I guarantee that your sense of smell will kick back into action; albeit in a fight or flight manner. Incidentally, your sense of small will also never be the same again (as you wonder: how on earth can such a petite creature EVER be capable of emitting such violent fragrance). It is surely a testament to the sorry state of the pet food industry, if nothing else. But anywayz… YOU CAN SMELL AGAIN!! COnGRATZ!!

CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19

Whose genius idea was it to enter a reality TV contest during a global pandemic? Not mine, Capricorn, certainly not mine. Now as you well know, the show works on a 3 strikes and your out type basis. And after two week in the bottom two, you are in testy waters. Here’s a thought: how about you chill with the philosophical guru act for a second. Your relentless quotations and your casual Cortázar references are getting kinda boring still. The public aren’t interested in your unnerving ability to “live in the moment” and “having nothing to fear but fear itself.” My advice: stop being so fucking smug for a second and just admit that Capricorns have bad days too. Or: your’e facing the bottom two again. And this time I’m not going to use divine intervention to save yo’ sorry ass.