Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthly Horrorscope | July
Ah July. Summer Solstice has been and gone, marking our Athenian calendar and the sun gods have indeed shone their vindictive fucking gazes down upon us. I’m sweating balls over here in Ancient Greece and this humidity is giving my hair some disturbing new levels of static electricity infused frizz. Seriously, how is a gal supposed to function in this sweltering inferno?
Thank the gods for the head wrap, am I right, ladies? They’re all the rage this season among my fellow oracles, and even the men are getting in on the action! The most prestigious, high brow personalities, the likes of Homer and Aristotle, have been spotted rocking the turban look- even the most passé and kooky of the men folk (*cough, cough- Pythagoras- cough, cough*) are getting in on the trend, inspired by the ingenue of their fellow intellectual idols.
July surely is a cesspit of odorous human perspiration, but nevertheless, here I am to deliver to you that very special monthly update. Whether you are looking for love, for inspiration, for that much needed dose of nebulous life advice from your favourite pre-Christian prophet, you have indeed come to the right place.
AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18
As I once told my pal, Plato: you need to chill the fuck out. Take a long, deep, restorative, transformative breath in. (And then, breathe out, of course, don’t want a bloody homicide on my hands here!) July will be your month to finally relax. You will take to yoga like with a zen intensity that has only ever been demonstrated by the likes of Buddhist monks.The days are particularity long this month- the longest of the year- and you will uses these new found yogi, mind-bending powers to uncover the deepest secrets of the unknown spiritual universe. Plus, you will become super toned in the process and have that hot summer beach body that no one will get the pleasure of seeing, thanks to the current world pandemic.
Take heed of your dreams; they may seem, in those first few groggy hours of morning, to be absolutely bat-shit crazy, but ignore the urge to simply laugh them off. Start a dream journal. Get a colouring book- can you believe, they actually make those for adults now! Now is the time to use that creative energy to get chill as fuck. Icebergs could learn a trick or two from you, my friend.
PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20
Oh, Pisces. The Fish of the astrological sea. And like a fish displaced from the slick comfort of it’s aquatic home, you are indeed floundering in these uncertain times. Devoid of the regular, quality friend time you so cherish, you are finding yourself a bit lost at sea. Much like a drifting haddock, or a salmon trying to swim downstream, you will be feeling a little out of sorts this month. It’s normal, believe me, these are strange times- show me someone who isn’t struggling with a minor identity crisis! Just the other day in fact, one of my fellow sibyls came to me saying she fancied a bit of a career change, and was going to quit the oracle life in favour of a more normcore profession, a bard, for example. “Hold your bloody horses, Sybil!” I said to her, “You don’t want to turn out like that fool, Homer, do you?!” And, of course, she knew that she couldn’t possibly face becoming a laughing stock of that magnitude, and decided to stick in the prediction industry. Look at her now! Practically rolling in the mullah and threatening those pesky pickpockets who hang around the Acropolis with doomsday premonitions of premature balding. Anyway, I digress…
So in the coming month of July, in which extended freedoms and sudden re-installment of creative liberties take hold, remember to remain grounded by going on long, rambling walks to discover new hidden treasures in your area, and stay far, far away from synthetic fabrics, particularly those of the chartreuse hued variety.
ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19
The first sign of the zodiac cinematic universe, always the last one to the party. Fortunately for you, this month there will be no large gatherings of people from more than three households, so there will be no one to send you passive aggressive texts, asking if you have left your house yet and when you will be arriving seeing as you are already forty minutes late. You are often described by friends (and enemies- you always suspected Sandra from HR has had it in for you) as the match to light the fire, the trendsetter, the trailblazer! I once knew an Aries, and let’s just say that you should probably think about ditching that lockdown look, because without the crowd of the masses to inspire with your fabulous fashion and cutting-edge style, you are beginning to drift into Cancer-level hermit territory. Never fear, time is but a transitory state, and soon you will be back to your haute couture, Anna Wintour ways (minus the whole workplace abuse and general tyrannical fashion-dictatorship). Let me tell you, togas are not just a fleeting trend of the classical antiquity. So maybe in July you should put away the athleisure, because nobody believes you are actually getting ready to exert any physical effort, and you should get on that vintage revival trend.
TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20
You, my friend, are one stubborn bull. And despite all of those highly inaccurate and inflammatory things your former BFF Hera, Queen of Olympus, is spreading about town, your propensity for holding onto a good ol’ grudge may be the one thing that has an uncomfortable ring of truth. Yes, she may just be jealous of your fabulous new quarantine hair do (even Zeus was checking you out through the window on his daily quarantine walk), but even you must admit that in these past few days, you have found it particularly hard to clearly communicate your feelings to those closest to you.
I know, I know, painless concurrence is not your strong point. However, July is set to be a scorcher and with the heat comes a new opportunity for you to sweat out all those pent up aggressions in a healthy and cathartic way. Now, I know the idea of physically induced perspiration makes your skin crawl, but why not swap the grueling at home gym session for a exertion of the cerebral kind. This month will undoubtedly be filled with creative inspiration, so why not put that big juicy brain of yours to work: write a scathing manifesto on the ethics of digital data trading; exercise your pleasure-seeking tendency and bake an array of aesthetically decadent, semi-pornographic, sweet treats; or, for once, put your stubbornness aside and write that certain someone a heartfelt declaration, a letter to make even Sappho envious of your majestic lyricism.
GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21
All you dynamic Geminis, this is your month to shine. Incidentally, this is also the month in which some of your more tricky traits come to the forefront. And your friends are either a) too polite to tell you the truth, b) too weary, and all too aware of your double-sided tendencies to believe you’ll listen to anything they say, or c) they are embroiled in a secret plot to enact your ultimate downfall.
Nevertheless, I am here to give you a reality check. The world is not a conveyor belt circling the rather lofty orb that is the humongous and disproportionate perception of your own self importance. Harsh, but what can I say? July is the longest month, and it can feel even longer with you at the helm. I’ve been knocking about for a couple thousand years now, so trust me when I say that this month you better keep your so called ‘double-edged’ nature in check. You have many talents, and people are naturally drawn to you due to your penchant for ostentatious hats, so why not spend this month honing your crafts and trying to maximize your aerial affinity by strengthening your personal relationships. Oh, and will you be so kind as to tell me where you sourced that saucy Appellation fur, top hat number? I feel that my head wear is in need of an update.
CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22
I will not beat around the proverbial bush. You are a creature of habit. Seeing as that creature is in fact the Crab, you have adapted rather too well to this whole lockdown thing. Although highly delicious (sorry, I said it) and most definitely the deviant, buttery subject of a shell fish allergic’s dark twisted fantasy, the Crab is partial to a hermit lifestyle- and you, my dear Cancer, are no different. July is the well adjusted middle child of the summer months, but you will do all you can to justify locking yourself inside your musty crab cave and binge watching every season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race in order to combat your innate fear of conflict through the safe distance of reality television. None of the consequences, all of the salacious drama – it’s a win-win. This kind of introverted asbo behaviour will not however, gain you any extra brownie points in the after-life, and for this month you should try to dip your toe into the real world. Take a shower, crack a window or two- who knows, maybe it’ll do this ol’ Crab some good.
LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22
Leo, Leo, Leo. What are we going to do with you? Creative, popular, charisma coming out of your ears- but wait, what’s that? Is that a video of you I spy, suggested to me by the witchcraft and mind-blowingly accurate intuition of the YouTube algorithm? (Taurus, I told you to get on that manifesto). Yes, you my dear Leo, will think that this month is the perfect time to cultivate your ‘brand’ and start appealing to the masses through the creation of your very own YouTube channel. Now, listen up, Leo, and listen good. I may be an ancient oracle, but I have seen things that you and your self-important little brain can only dream! So heed my words: STEP AWAY FROM THE SCREEN. Uploading videos in which you painfully catalogue all of the many barrels of protein powder you have stored away in the kitchen, where the real food is supposed to reside, will not in fact inspire the masses. Right now, you’re feeling listless, and there are only so many indoor workout sessions using the pretty substantial weight of your ego as a dead-lift that you can stand. However, do not, I repeat, DO NOT start uploading your life for millions of lockdown innocents to stumble across in a YouTube wormhole. No one wants to see that. July is the month of sunshine (or, at least, it is here in Ancient Greece, I don’t know about you lot up in Edinburgh…) and seeing as your ruling planet is the Sun, maybe now is the time to catch some reflective rays.
Stay active and you will find yourself feeling happy as July swings around. Try not to update your Tinder profile too vigorously. Though, if you are feeling the summer (social distance) romance in the air, then why not focus on finding yourself a fellow moon-eyed wanderer? I can tell you that Libra is especially influenced by Venus this month, and you, quite frankly, could benefit from the attention of a sophisticated dame like Libra. And seriously, no one needs to see that acoustic cover of ‘Creep’ by Radiohead, the #sadboi #ifeelallthefeels #hotwhenicry market is saturated enough.
VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22
By all the gods, aren’t you looking awfully perky this month? Cosy lockdown has indeed been a bit of a bloody sojourn in the Bahamas for you, hasn’t it! You’re infinitely striving and ambitious qualities will serve you very well this month. Whilst all your friends (because, let’s face it, your a fucking A-list celebrity at this point and everyone you meet wants to be your friend) are lamenting the loss of their summer plans, you are endlessly positive and have adopted a Kris Jenner like approach to your relationship with your family pets: Hey, if you’re going to be spending the foreseeable future locked up with your nearest and dearest, why not exploit those cute, furry beasts on all your socials? ‘Animal rights!’, I hear your anonymous internet trolls protest. But believe me, this will be an exchange between equals, a symbiotic relationship, and my fellow sibyls inform me that it worked out quite well for those scheming cats down in Ancient Egypt… Just sayin’…
LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23
Libra, you naughty, naughty minx. Venus has cracked her sexy whip and she is in full force this July. As an air sign, you are taking this as your cue to get down and dirty (metaphorically, of course, given the circumstances). You get kinda frisky in the summer time, and this month you really are embodying the old Babylonian all-caution-to-the-wind attitude, reaching out and opening yourself up to making all kinds of romantic connections. This may prove challenging this month, and meeting new people will be a hindrance considering that the world of real human contact has been reduced to the members of your household, and that old man who stands way to close to you in the queue at Waitrose. (And yes, we all know you have now started shopping at Waitrose, despite the fact that you try to hide that newly bought, hella spenny Pugliese burrata from your flat mates, by wrapping it in a brown Lidl bakery bag, and storing it at the back of the fridge under five layers of baby spinach. I’m telling you, they know. I know. We all know.) This month, let go of all false delusions of thriftiness and own up to your bougie, upper middle-class ways. Your friends will still love you. And this new freedom will make you even more attractive to all those potential 2022 love interests who, for the time being, remain a respectful two meters away.
SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21
Scorpio, you are a sneaky one. And who can blame you? Being ruled by such a power-hungry, egocentric tyrant as Pluto must take it’s toll. Following the summer solstice last month, your feline sensibilities and desire for intense romantic connection are running at an all time high. I will give you some advice: Do not fear the humble citrus fruit.They will not, contrary to popular belief, bring you an abundance of fortunes (namely in the form of goats and young fertile wives). They will, however, make your zesty wit that much more digestible to those who have just about had enough of your incessantly devious lock down behaviour. They have in fact grown wise to your sneaky kitchen antics and whilst you may think that no one has watched you shamelessly use the last, foamy dregs of the oat milk that you didn’t buy, your flat mates are onto your saucy, alternative milk stealing ways. Why not break bread, and buy some oranges for the whole flat on your next trip to Lidl? And remember: Lime is more than just the disorderly afterthought of a tequila shot. Use it in new and unexpected ways, and you will find that July will pass much more fruitfully than you had woefully anticipated at the beginning of the month.
SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21
True to your nickname, The Archer, you will spend the upcoming month aiming to hit all of your quarantine targets and goals. You are definitely not lacking motivation, and July will be the time for you to feel at once proud of all your personal and professional achievements, whilst gaining an excellent level of holier-than-thou superiority that you will wield over the mere mortal procrastinators that surround you with all the deranged enthusiasm of a highly functioning emotional dictator. Be kind to those chronic slackers, and exercise compassion- not everyone can be as goal-oriented and manically productive as you. Some of us need to sleep, you know.
Some food for thought. Once you have completed all of your desired objectives (and let’s face it, you will have done this by week one), which you have aesthetically documented in your moleskin bullet journal, you should take the rest of the month to slow down this ruthless lifestyle of all work and no play. Invest in some twine and start the middle-class, white mother’s new crack habit: macrame. Productive, highly Instagrammable and a great outlet for all of those knot tying skills you developed on that outdoor survival course a few years back. And to think, they said that course was a waste of time! The joke will be on those suckers when you have a very successful (*ridiculously* expensive) Etsy shop, and all they have to show is a grievous whipped coffee addiction and an error message from Netflix informing them they have consumed all available content.
CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19
Much like your fellow Earth child, Taurus, July will prove to be a creative time for you. Your interdisciplinary interests paired with your unwavering self-discipline will lead you to create a moderately successful internet venture. Think niche, frivolous, and ultimately meaningless. The more plants and aesthetic ceramic tableware involved, the better. This, much like many of your past endeavors, will quickly meet it’s untimely end, because despite your striving, hardworking ethic, it is not enough to sustain any kind of long kindling levels of success in this ever changing online world. But don’t be disheartened. And don’t alienate all of the worldly pleasures. I have heard through the grapevine that you like a tipple or two of the ol’ honey mead, and boy am I with you on that chariot, bratha. So give into your desires a little bit, no-one will think less of you for a little indulgence.