Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthy Horrorscope | August
Greetings and salutations to you all! Here we are once more, another temporal unit later, and August has finally arrived to bestow some much needed heat to the celestial fires of our monotonous corporeal existences.
Lately, I’ve been feeling somewhat down about the whole predictions scene. Apart from the other sibyls and I, there seems to be a distinct lack of elegance, decorum and finesse out here in the oracle sphere. These days everyone thinks they’re a bloody prophet! Take, for instance, Nostradamus, the old quack, he has been spouting some ludicrous doomsday premonitions- pretty rich if you ask me, coming from a man whose average attire consists of the highly unflattering and scandalously scant. Case and point : socks with sandals. I mean, seriously, how is anyone to trust a man who can’t even see that that is not a look.
Anyway, let me not sulk in all woe is me, for I have a job to get to- the real prophecy making. So, saddle those donkeys and buckle up, it’s time for me to let you tellurian minxes know what’s good for this upcoming month…
AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18
I see great adventure on the horizon for you, lovely Aquarius. And not just because you will trial out an entirely new shirt/trouser/toga combo that will rock this fashion-starved world. Many things will fall in place for you this month, and by the gods do you deserve it! However, as tempting as it may be to focus on all the things that are falling into place in your life, it might be worth a peak around the corner at what is falling out of place. Be on your guard: watch out for any signs of large objects, possibly of the musical variety, that may fall on your head when you least expect it. Believe me, no one wants to be caught unawares, just minding their own business, strolling down Dionysiou Areopagitou Street when BAM! Out of nowhere a lyre falls as if from heaven itself and smacks you right on your innocent little face. Oooch! That will leave a scar. Take note of your surroundings this August and keep an eye on the sky.
PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20
Oh! Well! It seems you have already taken the advice for this month into your own hands! Looks good, looks good… How did you manage to get it so… textured? And that colour! What a… statement. Yes… Urm, wow, I’m not usually so flummoxed, you must excuse me! Wow… Great… I suppose you don’t need anything else… I’ll… Urmm… I”ll just…
ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19
A wise man once sang, ‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you can successfully manipulate the situation in your favour and it turns out you actually can get what you want quite easily!’ Okay, so that’s not exactly what Jagger and Richards wrote (I may have ad-libbed a tiny bit) but this may as well be your bloody anthem for the month of August. Your Aries zodiac predicts that money flow will be extra bountiful thanks in part to the reckless gambling habits of ol’ Jupiter and the online shopping addiction that Venus has exercised during #lockdown. Luckily for you, this means that this month you’re in for a healthy looking bank statement. Now, seeing as you have hit the jackpot, why not share your newfound wealth- donate to the NHS (seriously, anything is something!), sponsor a marathon, or even better, support your local oracle. Hey, what can I say! Times are hard in the predictions biz, and these auriferous robes don’t come cheap!
TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20
Check you out, smarty pants! Planetary aspects are well aligned this month to help you along marvelously with some academic pursuits, though perhaps not of the most traditional kind. August will fill you with an unquenchable thirst for knowledge of the technological realm and you will succeed in purchasing a semi-functional communicative device. In light of these modern advances, it is important for you not to neglect your spiritual well being this month. Might I suggest an activity that requires minimal effort (I know how you hate to sweat) but yields very saucy results? Why not begin by cooking up a potent Moretum – or in uncultured plebeian tongue – garlicky cheese. Not only a feast for the senses, but a great, non-violent way to assure that everyone in Lidl remains the designated two meters from your physical being. I recommend following Virgil’s recipe, and though he does tend to wax lyrical sometimes- persevere! And yes, yes, the recipe does call for fifty cloves of garlic, but why limit yourself? Don’t skimp on the garlic! You’re not gonna be smacking lips with anyone anytime soon!
GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21
Gemini, you are quite the innovator. August has got you hella inspired and fired up to become the entrepreneur of multiple creative ventures. This month, you will in fact be mass-producing an innovative range of retro (albeit semi-functional) communicative devices, and selling them off to unsuspecting Taurus’ under the eBay alias, DialUpRevolution™. Of course, this is followed by a consecutive string of all-night deep dives into the myriad of government conspiracy cover-ups stemming from the notorious New York blackout in 1977. (You always knew there was something extraterrestrial going on…) My advice for August: take a breather. Remember that you are only human, and are not expected to pioneer the newest masterpiece in software engineering just yet. Take a minute to stick your head out of the window and breathe in that sweet, sweet carbon dioxide. And for the love of all the gods, take off that ridiculous tinfoil hat- it really clashes with your new cowboy jacket.
CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22
Cancer, you hothouse of emotional compassion, you power tool of tender sentiment, your levels of impassioned caring really do know no bounds. As a force for good, you are ruled by the moon, but boy are you waning this month. Water is queen of your elemental sphere, and you will find in the first week of this month, that you are really having to plunge to the very depths of your #feels. Much like a forgotten batch of kimchi, you will experience a sense of emotional drainage in August, and it is only a matter of time before that pent up jumble of fermented angst bursts it’s lid and makes a whole, sticky mess. You are not the sole rock that must hold onto everyone else’s emotional nonsense. Prevent a potentially stressful calamity, and nip this desire to hold it all inside in the bud by sparring with your siblings. These parent-stealing annoyances were designed for this very purpose, and getting into some good high spirited brawls with such DNA sharing bottom-feeders will stop you over-wrought Cancers from self-imploding later on down the line. In the case of lacking said genetically similar specimens, try a tussle with your best friend, they are, after all, the chosen siblings of this dimension.
LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22
This August, Leo, my pal, why don’t we try to be a little less Scar and a bit more Simba? Now, I’m not suggesting that you go all hippy-dippy. I’m not implying that you start twisting yourself some dreads and start living a nomadic lifestyle in a vegan leather skin yurt, tattooing hakuna matata onto your chest and eating long-stemmed broccoli out of opiate-laced palm leaves. You’re not a Pisces, for goddess’ sake! You could never pull off that hemp poncho. You could, however, use your endlessly charismatic charm this upcoming month, to channel the benevolence of a Simba, and instead of vanquishing all of your most lowly minions to a certain death, try some forgiveness. You are a natural leader, and possess the most positively flawless skin I have ever witnessed outside of Cleopatra’s milk-filled beauty parlor. Use that ageless glow to help your significant other feel a little less insecure this last summer month. And don’t be alarmed if some of the other Sibyls and I pop by to observe that skincare routine in action.
VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22
Virgo, you are known for your perfectionist obsessions – Ahem, I mean, your eye for detail and scrupulous attention to the most minute of inconsistencies in people’s clearly fictitious dinner party tales of wild nights on the lash during the bloody world pandemic. Please, this shit will not fly with you vigilant Virgos on the prowl. And if you have to suffer through another one of these ‘socially-distanced’ dinner parties this month, I cannot promise that you can be held responsible for your actions. And who can blame you? Even I attended one of these dreadful soirées just last weekend, hosted by that insatiable party animal, Homer. The whole evening was an entirely tacky affair, and I should have heeded my fellow sibyl, who had predicted as such. The most cretinous of the guests included Hippocrates, who kept trying to feel me up with the excuse of ‘examining’ me for ‘signs of severe health conditions such as clubbed fingers’. All as I was trying to eat my quail egg and cucumber sarnie in peace and attempting to lecture him about personal space. Later on, the crowd became a rambunctious lot and the night ended rather appallingly, with Archimedes drinking far too much honey mead, disrobing himself and running through the streets butt naked, yelling “Eureka! Eureka!” All in all, it was a extremely distasteful affair and, Virgo, I concur completely. Down with these attempts at restoring normal social events. Virgo for World Leader 2020.
LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23
I see much excitement in store for you this August, our dear, sweet, eternally smiling Libra. With your positive charge, and knack for colour coordination, you will have no trouble this month with settling into new habitats and adapting to different surroundings. May I recommend a pomegranate scented candle that would fit just splendidly in your new, modernist art inspired digs? What’s more, effervescent Libra, Friday will become your new favourite day, and in this upcoming August, you should honour the return of days pertaining to any actual meaning, by going out (with a mask on, of course, I’m not trying to kill you!) and treating yourself to a sampling of the local delicacies. Try out a new cafe, a continental deli or just any generally hipster food joint. Soak up the vibes and get ready to discover your soon-to-be daily haunt.
SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21
Scorpio! You are still up to your trickster ways this August. Didn’t I warn you about this last month? Well, it appears that you have in fact bumped the gears up a notch- quite literally, seeing as this month will see you manning that magnificent tractor that they keep locked up in the barn next door but one, another in the strain of your endlessly wild antics and part of some insane attempt to patent the ultimate #picnicbitch aesthetic. Some valuable words of wisdom from an ancient (but mightily well preserved) oracle : stick to the limitations of the Instagram square, and whip out the yellow checkered blanket you keep wedged between that unpublished poetry manuscript and the flame thrower you got for your 18th. It’s time to get all Dagenham and strike while the trend is still hot! Get friendly with your sewing machine and re-cycle that musty, dusty blanket into a fabulous prairie dress. This August, remember that the bigger and puffier the sleeves, the closer to dominating that farmhouse aesthetic you will be! Only three ruffled layers at the hem? Come on, Scorpio, WE WANT TO BE DROWNING IN THE RUFFLES!
SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21
Oh, by Hades, have I got some juicy, juicy facts for you sultry Sagittarius’ this month. So, as I was mindlessly scrolling the Internet, as I am want to do these days- did you know about this Google? He really is quite the skilled oracle! So accurate, so detailed! Anyway, never one for insecurity and not one to bad mouth my fellow psychic brethren, I decided to see what this mystic’s hot take was on you, Sagittarius. And my oh my, is it a doozy. According to the wise Google and his colleague, The Sun (a rather blasphemous and seemingly far less reputable force) you, dear Sagittarius, are one step away from a strangely specific and calculated series of murders. Yes, you heard me correctly. You are one pair of cargo pants short of a serial killer’s wardrobe, and thus Google has proclaimed it: that you may very well be the most murderous sign in the zodiac wonderland with a thirst for blood, and have officially been voted ‘Most Likely To Become a Serial Killer’ by your high school peers. Congrats! Felicitations! Now, if you could just tidy up this crime scene a bit, we can all enjoy your acceptance speech and get on with the festivities!
CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19
Capricorn, you have a secret. Don’t worry, I’m not about to expose you. Even though I’m sure a certain someone would love to know that the ‘mistaken’ text you drunkenly sent to them at 4 o’clock in the afternoon was not, as you claimed, the nonsense text ramblings of your sloshed lockdown shenanigans. But it was instead the calculated behaviour of a text-savvy genius, whose intense knowledge of modern millennial patterns of tomfoolery has informed the carefully crafted, meticulously spelling error filled text, that has been over two long, plotting years in the making. Yes, Capricorn has an agenda, but seeing as this wily hooligan is in cahoots with Enki, the Sumerian god of wisdom and waters, it should really come as no surprise. Now, Capricorn, I only have one question to pose to you for this upcoming month : what is considered the appropriate, and hip twenty-first century response when one receives a torch signal in the dead of night, translating roughly from the ancient Greek as : ‘U up?’ Asking for a friend…