“Do you remember… The twenty-first night of September?“

Oh! Many apologies, I didn’t see you there! Well, that’s not quite true- I am an oracle after all! But anyway, my fabulous omniscience aside… What have you been up to? How have you been? How is the inner, spiritual YOU doing?

You see, I am trying out this new thing that my therapist suggested, I believe she called it ‘showing a genuine interest in something other than furthering the #PsychicSibyl agenda, which is working to the detriment of you forging any lasting human bonds based on emotional reciprocity’- or something along those lines. In our last session, she said rather pointedly: “Now Sibyl, I know you’re an all-powerful oracle, as you have told me several times, but I sense that you are overlooking the importance of creating meaningful human connection, and sometimes your desire to give the people their predicted futures can come off a little- how to put it delicately? Oh, yes, a little fucking irritating. Catch my drift?”

And, by the gods, was I taken aback. Irritating? Moi? Was this woman on some extremely potent strand of opiates? (If so, hook a sibyl up…) Nevertheless, I shall strive, as always, to better myself for the pleasure of my mortal plebeian fanbase. So… again, how are you? How are the kids? Done anything noteworthy as of late?

(Is it working? Do you feel seen and valued and less likely to rate me down on Trip Advisor? Good. Now, enough with the wretched pleasantries, let’s get down to business!)

AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18

I believe it was one of your 21st century contemporaries who sang: ‘Heavy is the head that wears the crown.’ And whilst my rather hip, earthbound sources have informed me that this Stormzy fellow is quite the popular musical maestro, I have to say that for this September, you Aquariuses might want to look a little further south. And NO, you filthy Aquarius, I do not mean that so-called nether region. I am of course talking about the humble foot. Because this month, they will indeed be working overtime to get you to all the places you need to be, as you finally prepare to take your long-awaited flying lessons. It’s about time you took after Miss Earheart and took to the skies once and for all- but in the meanwhile, those trusty feet will come in handy. Come rain, come shine, those land-lubber flippers will be skrrting you about the place like no one’s business, as you cross off every single thing on your to-do list. That’s right, get ready to head to productivity city, to get-shit-done county, to so-busy-you-make-Steve-Jobs-look-like-a-first-year-university-student town! As September comes around, take care of those tootsies: wear sensible, yet highly chic, à la mode footwear. I would never ask you to sacrifice style for comfort, dear Aquarius, and luckily for you, this month will see you discovering the PERFECT shoes for running around town, AND for showing off to all your foot fetishy friends! Now that’s what I call a win-win.

PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20

The most pressing piece of advice that I have to give you this month is this: eliminate, hone in and conquer. And no, I am not simply plagiarizing war strategy from my pal Athena. No, no. I am merely presenting you with a gentle reminder that perhaps now is the time to eliminate all unhelpful distractions, hone in on your true passions in life, and use your very many creative skills to conquer the abomination that is your lockdown doo. Now, I have held my tongue for the past few months, but enough is enough. I urge you to take a perusal of all your more famous and accomplished astrological brethren: Tyler, the Creator, George Washington, Bad Bunny, Albert Einstein – all icons of style and formidable hair. Come on, Pisces, sort that shit out! Even Einstein found the time to take a break from being a scientific genius and treat his luscious locks right.

ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19

Uh-oh. The world better watch out this month, because Mars is in Virgo and that means that you Ariean minxes will experience a deficit of fucks to give. In layman’s terms, this September, you Aries will find it particularly challenging to sympathize with the ridiculous, histrionic emotions of all those over-wrought Pisces and hot-head Scorpios. But don’t let this irritation bubble up into dangerous territory. Instead, focus on your job, your studies, or any other time sensitive tasks that you may have on your plate. Yes, it seems inevitable that some of those pesky Pisces may slip through your carefully curated list of permitted snapchat story viewers, and bombard you with frantic messages about how grow out an accidental fringe- but do not get combative, those poor water babies can’t take a fight like you feisty fire signs. Instead, practice some compassion, and solve these interactions with a firm, yet gentle hand.

TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20

Taurus, you are emitting a particularly fragrant energy this month. I’m getting a hint of Aristotelian temper, a whiff of Janice Joplin virtuoso and the distinct, delicious after-scent of bay leaves. Spring, the season in which you find most comfort, has long said adieu, and as Autumnal leaves (unfortunately, not of the aforementioned bay kind) begin to fall, you should remember that change can be an exciting thing, and not simply the origin of all of mankind’s lingering existential discontent. As one of the four fixed signs, it is undeniably part of your nature to resist change at all cost. However, this time around, September brings many tantalizing opportunities for you to try new things, and potentially unleash a new lease of life in rediscovering old friendships and unearthing some ancient diaries that are positively bursting with teen angst. Don’t shy away from the past: give ’em a peruse and you will find comfort in the horrifically salacious words of your younger, far more melodrama-prone self. You wouldn’t believe the things I rediscovered when pouring through my old teenage stone carvings… it was a wild ride, I’ll tell you that much!

GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21

Oh, Gemini, how this month will challenge you. You may have become seriously accustomed to a level of van Gogh-ian beauty, only to be seen in the sweeping landscapes of southern French sunflower fields, but this September you will be left staring at a blank wall. All that sweet, sweet freedom will be indeed taken from you this month, and you will be forced to find inspiration in the four walls of your painstakingly curated bedroom. Never fear: September may bring an abundance of creative energy for you, and find you creating deeper bonds with all the friends you have so far kept at a safe, coffee-date distance. Find solace in the fact that this month will be a time in which you may well experience an epic surge of cellular development, of which hasn’t been seen since the Cambrian explosion. Get ready, Gemini, old buddy, old pal! This month’s gonna get interesting…

CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22

Hold your bloody donkey reigns, my dear, sweet Cancer! I see you and your infinitely do-gooding ways! My, my, if all those budding Virgos are testing the waters of martyrdom this month, you Cancers are sure as hell making a bid to become a modern day Jesus Christ- although, with infinitely better hair and slightly less of the preachy fish stuff. September is your time to give the people what they need, as the psychic lunation will only strengthen your infallible desire to make the world a better place, one small kindness at a time. But beware, not everyone will take too willingly to your infuriatingly well meaning attempts at convincing the neighbours to consider the grass’ feelings, before mowing its glorious stems of life down to stubby little half-height capacity. They know not what they do, gracious Cancer, but I advise you to take a step back this month, and try some active imagination. Perhaps the grass appreciates a nice, stubby look for the upcoming Autumnal season, and perhaps you should practice the art of letting things go- not every living organism needs your protection. Follow in the footsteps of that fabulous French gal, Joan of Arc, and try some gender-bending fashion ensembles this month to take your mind away from your role as sole saviour of your slowing imploding mortal world… Some food for thought.

LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22

Tired of feeling like a lion trapped in a cage of mediocrity and fruitless Tinder swiping? Take it from an old (but no less enchanting) oracle: it is time to switch some things up and nip that listlessness in the bud, before you explode in a very public, passive aggressive rampage via the email chain that you have been cc’d into by your work colleagues. Believe me, now is not the time to take vengeance on Carol for that one time *pre-covid* that she said your hilarious office antics were proof that the millennial generation are too busy TikToking to understand the complex demands of the ‘real working world’. Whilst I can’t say that Carol wouldn’t deserve a savage online take-down, I must warn you that September is the time for a more methodical, even-minded approach to these workplace rivalries. Take a breath. Sure, do a little TikToking now and then, but maybe the Monday morning zoom meeting is not the place to practice the new moves, you feel me? To get you in the right working head space, I suggest an aesthetic change. I know you thought red was the colour that represented your true, inner soul, but why not switch things up? Get a lil wild and experiment with some lovely lavus hues. Mustard is your pigment my friend- use it liberally in all aspects of your life this September.

VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22

With Venus chilling out in Cancer this month, all you zesty Virgos can expect to see a rather extreme heightening of emotions, allowing you to experience a deeper, and more spiritually enlightening compassion towards the people in your life. Will you take this new-found empathy and adopt a Mother Theresa like approach to helping the particularly emotionally needy this September? Perhaps. Will your perfectionist tendencies override all logical reason and force you into a manic, self-critical state in which you can do nothing but re-pot all of your seedling plant babies and arrange them into order of ascending leaf-span? Most definitely. Well, at least your oxygen levels will be looking pretty damn good this September, as your home slowly becomes the origin site of many undocumented species of rare cheese plant. How deliciously verdurous!

LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23

Ah, Libra, you are often the envy of friends, family- even complete strangers feel utterly beguiled by your effortless grace and bizarre Bob Ross-esque sex-appeal. With the 1st of the month bringing in a Pisces full moon, you Libras will feel entirely in tune with a significant someone on a psychic level, and you will find yourself suddenly in utter agreement with everything Piers Morgan has ever said. Take some time this September, as power struggles will be brought to center stage upon the Venus-Mars square, and you will have to overcome the urge to overpower your fellow mere mortals. Do not forget that as a Libra you possess an impressively magnetic energy, and your opinion, however bat-shit crazy, will be taken as law and propagated as the word of a new-wave proto-synthetic guru leader, which may (and by may, I mean, will definitely) result in the beginnings of a kinky online cult. So, wield your words wisely this month. Oh, and stay away from engraved, bronze medallions- trust your auntie Sibyl on this one, you’ll thank me later.

SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21

Radiant Scorpio, for you September will be filled with some shenanigans of the weird and extraterrestrial variety. You may experience a wide range of extremely lucid dreams, one of which will cause you to believe, for a short time, that you are in fact the long-lost heiress of a major cereal dynasty. Now, I myself am not at liberty to disclose the corporation over which you hold the supreme fortunes. However, I can only but encourage you to reach for your dreams, seeing as a legal battle may very well be the spark to light your inner celestial fire once more- and just in time for the rising of the new full moon. Nevertheless, may I offer just a wee little piece of Athenian advice? You may want to leave all of that Area 51 ‘evidence’ out of your upcoming deposition. I foresee the previously undisclosed corporation not taking too kindly to your views on the presence of the extraterrestrial among us… I’m just saying, it may discredit your argument a smidge. Save that alien shit for Tom Cruise and his celebrity compatriots, comprende?

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21

September is looking rather empirical for you savvy Sagittarius’! You will be profoundly influenced by the intensified, minotauric vigor of that cheeky devil, Mars, whose undeniable BNOC energy will make you more adventurous, particularly in financial affairs. Your prudence and freakishly accurate ability to anticipate the stock market booms will serve you very well indeed. It may be the case that your fellow tellurian inhabitants have not the foggiest clue as to why you have suddenly arrived at the breakfast table donning a velvet smoking jacket and Italian leather loafers, screaming into a banana-phone about the goddamn blue chip stocks and why they offer significant dividend payments and have a reputation of sound fiscal management! Ah, yes, the melodic symphonies of stock trading jargon. Of course, as an oracle it is forbidden that I dabble in such delicate mortal affairs… However, your month will be looking all the more financially rewarding should you slip an inside hint or two over to your nearest and dearest pre-Christian prophet… Think about it, Sagittarius, and give me a bell over at the Acropolis- I’ll be the one wearing the silk spun robes and snakeskin loafers!

CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19

Capricorn, you, my friend, have got it. Much like Kylie Jenner, you really are, like, realizing things this September. Look out for any moral epiphanies you may experience after the 7th, as these are likely to give you the key to uncovering the deeper molecular mechanisms at work in life as you know it. I feel that I myself am a kindred spirit with you winter babies, as this month sees you harnessing a sudden, and complete knowledge of all the secrets of the universe at large, much like a prophet dare I say! Well, okay, I exaggerate a little- but come on! I gotta pump a bit of spice in these predictions every now and then! The other sibyls and I feel strongly that it is you divine Capricorns who will in fact save us from this shit show that is the year 2020- but don’t tell our watery friends over in Cancer’s astrological minefield, let’s let them ride out this white saviour complex, whilst you get on with the real task at hand: how to explain to the elderly people you are related to, who this nice young lady Cardi B is, and why on earth she is singing about Wireless Access Providers?