Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthly Horrorscope | October
It’s spooky season, my sphinxy tellurian scamps! And whilst I may not be joining in with the inevitably tacky affairs you all have planned for these devious festivities – I mean, an oracle has her reputation to think of! – I can’t help but notice that Halloween fever has become all the rage, even over here in Ancient Greece. It must be all of those funny, moving pictures you saucy lot waste years of your *very* limited lifespan watching. Just last millennium, in fact, I happened to be in endz, just passing through the Acropolis with the sibyls in tow, seeing as we had recently invested in some rather dashingly bold ensembles, and wanted the rest of our fashion-starved compatriots to appreciate the daring ingenuity of our newest peacock feather hot-pant/ hooded-robe combo. Well, anyways, I was effortlessly parading across the stone steps, looking fabulous, when I saw Socrates, that old buffoon, entertaining a ragtag group of wannabe philosopher nerds. Oh, Socrates, will that quack ever truly learn how to correctly colour coordinate? That hallowed day, he had opted for the strangest attire of deepest crimson, with what appeared to be duck feather trimming and thigh high latex leather boots. However, I was not perturbed by this disastrous display, as I am indeed a benevolent psychic, with endless compassion for hopeless cases, such as is our dear, deluded Socrates. And so I decided to breeze by and bid him good morn, and let him see what true haute couture looks like. Well, I never had such an informal greeting in all my centuries on this earth! The man saw me approach, and began singing a funny little festive tune, shouting all the while for me to, ‘Get in loser, we’re going SHOPPING!’ and claiming that his name was now ‘Regina George’, or something equally as plebeian. The sibyls and I had never seen such odd behaviour- except perhaps one time outside of that godawful ‘hip’ ping-pong bar we visited once in a town called Manchester during Helen of Troy’s hen-do. THAT was an evening I care not to repeat… However, once Socrates had stopped blabbing about how it was Halloween, the one night of the year he got to dress like a total slut and no one could say anything about it, I began to realise the true extent of your 21st century pop culture influences as truly something to be admired. And whilst I myself have no desire to dress like a harlot and become one of these so-called ‘mean girls’, I can appreciate this tradition you mortals have, dressing like terrible cultural icons and begging strangers to feed you with half-size, off-brand chocolates. And so, October brings us the magic of this hallowed event in your extremely short temporal calendars, and thus I am here to bless you with the life advice you need in order to survive the lead up to this night of debauchery and questionable costume choices!
AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18
Aquarius, if you were a debut soul-funk, deep-house aquatic album, you would most definitely be entitled: Ready and Out the Door (ft. has anyone seen my phone?!?). As a soul caught between Saturn and Uranus, that absolute train wreck of a will-they-won’t-they planetary alignment, it’s no wonder that the closest of amigos and complete strangers alike are equally, undeniably drawn to you. However, this positioning in the astrological sphere means that you are caught in the trap of contradictory sentiments: at the same time serious and playful, reserved and outgoing, ultimately focused and yet still completely distracted by the endless void of astonishingly insightful Kim Kardashian memes… October will find you more than ever caught in the cross fire of your competing natures. But don’t let stress at having to define yourself as one single, unified entity get you down. October is full of new beginnings, and you can be safe in the knowledge that your social life will thrive more than ever this month. And along with that divinely spooky, 1560’s inspired Halloween costume, you will indeed be the bell of the ball- or, well, I guess the sexiest *most historically accurate* vampire at the socially distanced forest rave!
PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20
Oh, Pisces, you are going to seek some rather questionable, highly inaccurate spiritual advice from an online source that I just cannot bring myself to name. And listen, I am not one to participate in uncalled for sanctimonious judgement. But seeing as I am a sacred, *extremely* well preserved oracle and get paid in karmic brownie points to serve out delicious doses of moral life advice… I think now is the time for me to get my Judge hat on (and, yes, that would be that saucy red ushanka that I am so magnificently donning). Listen up, Pisces : the internet is indeed a wonderful tool for, say, doing some deep-dive conspiracy theorist research, or finding out what on earth is this ‘banana trick’ that your Aries running partner keeps going on and on about. However, I must advise against using such an all-powerful tool in searching for any kind of genuine advice on which to base any and all major and minor life decisions upon… October, for you pearly Pisces, will be a chance to indeed overcome your irrational fear of walking to the supermarket without the aid of google maps. Put yourself out there a bit this month- and not just physically, I mean, I do realise that winter is coming and these frosty months are a challenge for you sun loving creatures- but try to re-centre all those wacky, emotionally hermetic thoughts, and give being spontaneous a try! Hey, maybe you’ll make it to the boulangerie without that disembodied cyborg voice telling you to ‘turn right in 300 yards’. Wouldn’t that be swell?
ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19
I myself cannot deny the pull of the darker side of this October month, and apparently neither can you devious Aries! I mean, just look at you go! Not only will you take to habitually co-opting around 47% of your weekly food shop this month, but you will indeed also proceed to mercilessly mock any of the other earthling suckers who have missed the memo about the elusive banana trick that aids your self-checkout thievery. Shoplifting, thievery, all such extremes! But then, you always have been tempted by the seductive lure of the criminal underworld. One of my sibyls, also a fellow Aries and quite the skilled shoplifter, tells me that deeming such acts ‘criminal behaviour, punishable by the cutting off of various external body parts’ is so passé, and has advised that I use the much more nuanced term ‘external shrinkage’. I must admire your shifty talents of deception and your claims of sticking it to the capitalist, money-grubbing man, in a rather impressive defense of your thrill-seeking tendencies! So Aries, my advice to you this month: do not deny your nature and cower from those facets of yourself that may not be accepted by some wet-blanket law-abiding citizens! Embrace your klepto ways! Why not use this month as your personal journey towards self-acceptance? And when you arrive at the Halloween party, dressed head to toe in stripey big-house get-up, shopping cart tattoo just below the eye, and your Scorpio pal asks what you’ve come as (although, it is more than just slightly obvious, and said Scorpio has clearly had five too many honey mead shots) you can say, with pride, ‘Oh, this is just me.’ and then GET OUT OF THERE before that Scorpio projectiles all over your freshly nicked Nike kicks.
TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20
Burning the candle at both ends will take on a whole new meaning for all you busy Taurus babies this month! Talk about a multi-tasking mastermind! But, wait, slow your bloody donkey carts my pal, this ain’t a low-budget Olympic opening ceremony, and you don’t need to suffer under all this institutionalized pressure. Mars will be keeping himself at a rather agreeable angle this month, and so now is the perfect time for you to stick it to the Man, and accept the fact that one highly skilled, badass Taurus like yourself can only give so much to situations beyond your own control. This pressure-cooker situation may lead you to lash out at those closest to you- and whilst I do wholeheartedly agree that siblings make the best and most satisfying sparring partners, remember that that parental sharing, knock-off you, also possesses a little something called a pain threshold. So, be gentle! And maybe consider giving your closest Aquarius a call- they will certainly be able to offer some soothing words of comfort this October. Ooh! I almost forgot! You will also experience some unsurprisingly strong urges to leap up at any moment throughout this spooky month and break it down with some funky fresh moves. Do not deny these rhythmic impulses! I sense your neighbors will profit immensely from a lesson or two from a Taurus who will be more than happy to bust out the delightful stylings of some salsa sin control.
GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21
My psychic senses are tingling this month, and Gemini, you are indeed on the receiving end of some seriously favourable planetary alignments. Mars is in the second house, and those gossiping cosmic forces have been all abuzz about the increase of Martian energy, and how it will cause some seriously freaky waves in the celestial sphere. You still following? Sorry, dear Gemini, I know how easily distracted you are by shiny new Tinder matches, but if you could just put aside your ranging hormones for one hot sec, then I can put things in earthling terms for you to better understand how this month is gonna go down. In essence, I urge you to avoid all raging world-wide catastrophes that may be occurring in an area near you, and pay a little more attention to the kind of sustenance you are feeding yourself this spooky season. For example, I would maybe give that sad-looking lettuce that has been left in your fridge to slowly evolve human brain cells a miss. Instead, why not do like the ancient Romans? Although I loathe to give undeserved credit to those myth stealing cretins, I must say, they do know how to make a mean sweet fried curd cheese platter. I can practically taste that divine ancient sock aftertaste! Scrumptious!
CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22
Ooh, Cancer, I’m getting some chills just recalling the things that will befall you this October. Ominous dealings with a certain notorious back alley choir group will indeed prompt you into some rather unCancer-like behaviour! Ever the insatiable crowd pleaser, this month you will be the one in centre stage and, I hate to break it to you, but you will be loving every single second of attention from an entertainment-starved population, who are just waiting to adore a mediocre alto singer like yourself! Who knew a Barrie White slow jam could sound so much like a pre-pubescent teenage diary entry, when sung at just the right octave. I suggest you follow in the steps of one of my own pop-star idols, Miss Britney Spears, and begin posting a series of disconcerting videos to all your social media platforms, in which you exhibit some extreme levels of chaotic energy and display your insanely expansive shoe collection to your dedicated fanbase. I predict a wild spike in your follow count, and an overall increase in your own ability to discern constructive criticism from online internet trolls. Nevertheless, you will prosper from this newfound fame in new and interesting ways.
LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22
Orange has always been a good colour for you. What with your strikingly voluptuous mane and perfectly manicured tail, it is no wonder that this particular hue has always had the ability to lift you up above the rest of the generally very poorly groomed population. And seeing as spooky season is upon us, I see no reason why you should not dedicate this entire, ghoulish month to memorializing how fetch you are in shades varying from tangerine to persimmon. In other, non-colour related advice, you may experience some tensions within your interpersonal relations. When it comes to what you think is the best course of action, you may face some fierce opposition from the likes of some rather stubborn Tauruses, who will be audibly bothered by the prospect of having to adapt to your Leo desire to be the sole protagonist in the play of life. And whilst both Mercury and the sun find themselves cosying up in Libra, it is necessary for you to act honestly, if you wish to avoid weakening any longstanding bonds during the beginning phase of October. So, Leo, give into your better judgement and let your inner monologue of scrupulous commentary rip : you can be safe in the knowledge that the mildly nausea-inducing shade of coral you are wearing will indeed stun any unlucky recipient into a flurry of praise and excuses about having to run to catch a zoom meeting.
VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22
Virgo, you punctilious fiend, did no one tell you that unlike in the normal world of office board meetings, this digital zoom-age does not in fact require you to factor in unforeseen travel delays? And so the fact that you have been showing up to these, frankly shambolic, disorganized zoom affairs an hour early, does not make you look more professional and ahead of the game. No, no, sweet Virgo, it makes you look like you are unable to tell the time correctly. Why not spice things up in these monotonous, mask bound days? I suggest a career change. Given your penchant for dusty, old-Hollywood detective trench coats and your semi-maniacal organizational skills, it is clear that you would make an excellent legal researcher! And/ Or the sexy, yet cantankerous side-kick on a B-list channel 4 police drama. Let’s face it, in a role like that you will inevitably steal the spotlight and force that lump of a leading character off the screen, convincing the script writers to add in an inexplicable boating accident… Very clever indeed. I should take a leaf out of your nifty book, Virgo, and next time my biggest rival tries to predict some janky fortune for some unwitting tourist, I will simply guide their future in the way of the sea… minimal effort, and definitely way less of a clean up job!
LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23
Spookyyyyy vibes all around for you Libras. The New Moon comes full circle into your astrological dimension, presenting you with an undeniably strong desire to exercise the soon to be fully realized product of your most inward desires. Mars is giving you some seriously big dick energy this month, and I must say, it does suit you rather well! As always, Venus is playing an important role, strutting her way into the Virgo stratosphere, channeling some divine Ru Paulian energy, and Marie Kondo-ing all of that unnecessarily confusing romantic baggage you have stored up in that vault of could-have-beens. You will not immediately appreciate this startling clarity, and will take to practicing some expert level denial tactics, firstly by planning the most intricate (and I hate to say it, but- ) historically inaccurate queen Cleopatra Halloween costume. I admire your dedication to living your art, but I don’t think that ol’ Cleo had access to any kinds of dairy alternatives, and she certainly did not achieve that unholy dewy glow by bathing in organic hazelnut milk. Perhaps a lesson in the trap of getting carried away with oneself? This is no doubt a tendency you often fall victim to, and serves rather compactly as a warning about throwing yourself into counterproductive activities on the periphery of those things you actually really should be doing instead. Like taxes. I hear those are pretty important for you tellurian minxes, so don’t bury them under unnecessary tasks, which really add to your life in no meaningful way, and only deplete the planet’s already wavering source of natural resources.
SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21
Scorpio! This is a public service announcement, delivered to you first class from your favourite divine oracle sister: Stop boycotting bar chords. There are only so many times that you can play the same five, chordially safe slow jams before your flatmates will begin to notice, and subsequently be driven into a slow, unyielding insanity. And I can only but warn you, Scorpio, that if you carry on in this Leopardian manor, they will be forced to silence you by covertly replacing all of your guitar strings with whole wheat, over-cooked spaghetti. Not even you, ever persistent Scorpio, will be able to make Nick Drake-esque melodies out of something that far past al dente, and quite frankly, the world will be quite grateful. This month, maybe try channeling all that creative energy into something less, shall we say, ear-bleedingly melancholic? Sound good? October may have you feeling some kind of way, and no doubt the onslaught of chilly winds and the sudden, overwhelmingly obnoxious presence of genetically modified pumpkin whippedfrappechinolatte drinks, will have you longing to shut yourself inside the four walls of your tasteful, mid-century modern bedroom. However, do not underestimate your friends. They will be there for you – quite literally right there. The walls of your humble abode are not quite as forgiving as those sturdy columns in the Temple of Poseidon, so remember this October to keep your bedroom antics down to a palatable level of pandemonium…
SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21
Sagittarius, you my friend are just a supernova trapped under the dead weight of thousands of miles of pressurized sea water. I honestly don’t know how you will cope this month! October will see you facing a far more dominant water sign, and you will, most egregiously, be forced to the abysmal depths of someone else’s emotional nonsense. It’s not easy being the world’s go-to confessional, I’ll tell you that for nothing! And I won’t lie to you, my dear Sagittarius, this month will be a particularity heavy one. To be frank, it’s probably all that prune juice you have been consuming, and so let me inform you of a little thing called will power. And yes, I know, it is indeed a habit that is no doubt hard to kick. Much like its brethren strains of hard-core, vaguely life threatening substances, prune juice is tempting in the beginning- but all it takes is that first little sip and WHAM. You’re hooked, a slave to the whims of that dark syrupy substance! But, hey, who I am to judge? I myself have enjoyed the occasional vice, though only in my younger years did I entertain a light dabbling in the underground Seplasia scene, after some rather wild recommendations from Cicero and his edgy mates. Honestly, I just couldn’t hack wearing all that hemp! It really does one no favours to be dressing like a glorified food waste bin. And speaking of offensively earthenware behaviour: Sagittarius, you really should think of laying off that prune juice as the nights draw in and the prospect of having to guarantee that there will be a toilet no less than twenty-two feet from wherever you are will start to get a little inconvenient… Just sayin, most people prefer a little OJ in the morning.
CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19
Escúchame, Capricorn, don’t overwork yourself on the second Wednesday of the month. It will not be worth it. As the offspring of that wily enigma, Saturn, you will be experiencing some intense rises in your desire to advance within your professional life. As a Capricorn, your innate, charismatic persuasiveness and ability to get other, lesser signs to bow down to your Machiavellian machinations, will become most useful this October. So utilize this spark of good fortune, and finally convince your rather unwilling circle of admirers to participate in what can only be described as the first (and, I hate to be the bearer of any spoilers, but the only) socially distanced outdoor sex party. Yes, you have big dreams, ingenious Capricorn, and perhaps the mortal realm is not yet ready to accept your shrewd, avant-garde auteur-ship. However, I for one see some monetary value in your proposed ventures, and I may know of some particularly rambunctious ancient Greek scholars who are looking to get pretty freaky at witching hour this October… So, hit me up on my trap smoke signal receiver, and we can come to an arrangement. And, just because I see exactly where this will head, please refrain from spamming my line with promo for your new Sound Cloud reggae revival trackz- I already have the lowdown on this, the most dubious of your ventures, and, unfortunately, it’s a hard no from me. Perhaps give the banjo folk scene a go?