– A foreword from the sibyls-

Dear loyal readers,

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November is here!!!!! Holy Hades! This is my favourite month in the whole of the celestial calendar! I can’t quite believe it’s come around so fast! Another year, another month to celebrate with yours truly- that’s right, bitches! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Surprise! I am, indeed, a Scorpio. I know some of you always suspected as much- and to those of you who guessed I was a Pisces, that is just about the most insulting thing I have ever heard, do I look like a Pisces to you?

Anyway, as a proud Scorpio and in honour of my birthday month, we are switching things up around here, getting jiggy with it and getting ready to PAARTAAAAY. Instead of the usual monthly predictions I dole out for you sublime, mortal beasts, this month I shall be inviting you all to my big, extravaganza birthday bash! And, in light of such an invitation, I will be sparing you all the anticipation of having to wait until the big night to see what kind of crazy, honey mead-intoxicated shenanigans you will be getting up to, and instead, my predictions this month will let you in on all that will go down at my partay- before it’s even happened.

Get dolled up, down that shot, and here we, here we, here we fucking go!

(P.S. to make this as fun for those of you not elite enough to be invited, I’ve devised a game of sorts, in which the reader must DRINK every time I mention that I am an oracle. There you go, first one, DRINK.)

AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18

Aquarius, is there not a wall in the whole of ancient Greece that you won’t perrear on? I think you have single-handedly proven that these tall, unobtrusive structures that we call walls were not designed, as we have for centuries believed, to hold up the structures of our homes, our places of business, our mead-making monasteries. No, sir. Walls were made for the Aquarius’ of the world to gracefully balance against as they shake their asses to the melodic beat, as we all stand back in rapture, mesmerized and astounded at the pure artistry of such a display. Tonight you will hold the torch for the entire party, marching at the head of the procession and asking everyone if they, by any chance, know where you left your phone?

PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20

Pisces, Pisces, Pisces…. Please enjoy that one song you will queue 17 times throughout the course of my party. I hope it makes you happy. Holy hades, what a sad little life, Pisces. You almost ruin my night completely just so you could have that one song-so you better spend every second of its 5.03 minutes on lessons in grace and decorum. Because YOU have all the grace of a reversing dump truck without any tyres on. More importantly: YOU DO REALISE that ‘True‘ by Spandau Ballet is exclusively an end-of.the-night-song, right? Only acceptable to play if you’re A) sad and drunk B) drunk and sad or C) cleaning-up eggy puke from the carpet. Ask yourself, Pisces, does either of the above apply to you? Or are you just trying to sabotage this teen rager before I’ve even made my famous b-day omelette? (But on a side note, I urge you to introduce me to your +1, he be kinda cute, still. I’m digging his intense stare and i’ve-got-a-tenner-in-my-pocket type energy. And did I hear you say he was French? )

ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19

Ooof, Aries, I’m getting light headed just predicting the night that is ahead of you. I mean, that Pegasus! What an entrance! I wasn’t even bitter that your profoundly limelight hogging antics made everybody miss me blowing out my fabulous bday candles. And no, I will not tell you how many candles there were- an oracle has to keep up her mystical allure somehow… But, as I was saying, no, I was not remotely mad at your classic, narcissistic behaviour- not in the least! Though, I will say, it was rather funny when you fell off the poor creature, wouldn’t you agree? Classic Aries, so clumsy! A smaller oracle may say it served you right for your thinly veiled attempt at upstaging me on my big night, but, NEVER would I utter such petty, passive aggressive sentiments. Don’t be embarrassed, I’ll bet no one even noticed- and hey, not that many people follow my Instagram Live streams. I’m about 72% sure that there’s still only a few thousand pre-Christians who are sharing it around ancient Greece on the #HilariousMereMortalBlunders thread via stone engravings on FaceScript. Take courage: It’ll all have died down within the next century or so!

TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20

Like a bull in a china shop/ a twitterstorm in a teacup / Mark in Rainbow Rhythms: you will take to the dance floor like you had some kind of deadly grievance to work out with the DJ. Yes, Taurus, you gonna dance, and you gonna kick ass. None of these pretentious, intellectual, cretinous men folk’ll even try to approach you, such is the majesty/ferocity of your body-popping. Having recently left the ranks of the unemployed, you are the only person at this party with a morally questionable graduate job to wake up for the next day. And yet, I can say with full certainty (I am an oracle, after all! Oops, drink!) that you are most definitely the last star sign standing- or, dancing, as it were. In a singular hair-whip-chest-roll, I literally witness all the mid-week demons being exorcised from your body. Teach us your ways, Taurus! I can’t even be sure that you aren’t still there! Just kidding, I’m an oracle! (you know what to do…) and you are certainly still busting some wild moves, even in your zoom calls days later! You go, Taurus!

GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21

Gemini, I won’t lie, you were a bit of a wild-card invitation… But you really will pull through and prove your exquisite taste through the language of **choreographed** dance routines . You recruited these unsuspecting partners-come-apprentices like you were selecting vulnerable individuals to be part of your soon-to-be-established, Platonic dance academy! You dazzled, you wowed, you shimmied like your life depended on it! And once Aquarius caught a whiff of this marvelous spectacle, off the wall it was and the two of you united forces for a performance, the likes of which has never before been beheld by mere mortal eyes. Shakespeare could learn a thing or two about dramatic tensions from you two; Michelangelo could cop a trick about the delicacy of the human form; Freud could learn a lesson about the fragility of the human psyche. All in all, Gemini, you were a a spectacle to behold and it was fabulous. You can come again.

CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22

Oh, sweet, Cancer. Que Calor indeed. Last time I checked up on you, your epicurean antics were starting to freak out the other nymphs. What were you thinking? Shouting that there was a wild cat chasing you; and a fire circling you on the dancefloor. Either someone has brought their pet kitty to this party (unlikely) or you, my friend, be tripping balls (more likely). Oh sweet baby Zeus, what are you doing now??! Fashioning your skirt into a makeshift fan…? sure, if that cools you down…You do you! All I’m saying is please check the ingredients list next time you fill your chalice with Dionysus’s homebrewed ‘Lucky‘ Punch. He hasn’t updated the recipe since Bacchanalia Fest last year. (That shit is full of ergot, blue lotus, mad honey and henbane). I haven’t touched the stuff since that one time I got photographed upside-down in a plant pot. Wasn’t nothing ‘lucky’ about that.

LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22

Leos really do love to love. And so when you rocked up to the event, all decked out in red-plated pyrotechnic discs, I couldn’t even bring myself to be angry- considering that I had every reason to be, seeing as I had explicitly stated, many months before, that I had reserved the sole rights to wear the colour red, and any surrounding or vaguely related hues (you know, your violet, pink, orange… and so on). Oh yes, don’t worry, my fair Leo, the incident has all but been forgotten! Of course, I am not one to hold a grudge! Me? A Scorpio, hold a grudge?! Mwaahahaha. That being said, though, there was some pretty worrying looking things in your prediction for next month…some concerning constellation in the shape of a ….. actually I think I’ll just let that knowledge ruminate until then! Sleep well, my precious!

VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22

Virgo, first of all thanks for deciding to bring your new tom-cat to my party. I appreciate you and Mr. Chunks have got very close during quarantine, but, ask yourself, Virgo, is this really a suitable environment for your furry friend? All I’m saying is, being the oracle that I am, I KNOW some poor straggler is going to wake up the next day to find an unannounced cat-shit in the toilet. Don’t get me wrong, cat-shit hands down beats coffee in terms of effective wake-up smells. But how did it even get there, Virgo? Yeah, I get it: the “downfall of one classical civilisation gives rise to another”…BUT REGARDLESS of the advanced stage of social decline you mortals are in under Lockdown; are you really willing to bow down to a Cat Master still yet to develop opposable thumbs? Flush the goddam chain, Mr. Chunks! We know who you are! (And if you are reading this now, Mr Chunks, you should be ashamed of yourself…. but congratz on the great taste in pre-christian horrorscopes ..)

LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23

Now, now, now. Libra. You and I both know your presence at this event is purely by virtue of the fact we live in the same tenement building. It’s not the most organic of relationships. What with you being our ‘landlord’ and we your ‘tenants’- if you MUST put capitalist labels on it. Anyways, the sibyls and I didn’t fancy a noise complaint, so we thought we’d give you a wee heads up about tonight. WE DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD ACTUALLY TURN UP!!! You spend half the night checking our smoke-alarms, radiators and taking boiler readings. You spend the other half scouting the guest list for potential replacement tenants. After a couple glasses of red, you absentmindedly leave a few of your possessions behind. The next morning you frantically scroll the community Facebook page (The Agora Share) for any news of your pocket calculator, clipboard and reading glasses. But to no avail. The sibyls will be hanging on to them for bargaining. We want our deposit back.

SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21

Scorpios!!! It’s your birthdaaaaaayyyyy! Except, unfortunately none of you will be invited to my celebratory affair, due to the fact that I am an attention hungry oracle (DRINK) for the entire duration of my birthday month and do not wish to share the spot-light with anyone else. Naturally, you all understand. My deep admiration for you has nothing to do with this decision, and I still hope to receive all of my birthday gifts with the appropriately gushing and poetic messages left in my card. Why not give them to me at the afterparty at Valhalla? I can’t exactly stop you from celebrating at a public place, after all. So at the club, then? In a bit!

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21

Is it really a successful party if a Sagittarius hasn’t stripped off and begun to do snow angels in the carpet? I think not. And by that logic, what a smash hit this blowout was! I want to assure you, my dear Sagittarius, that we did in fact find your feather bower. I know how much you love that thing. It was wrapped around one of the sibyls, who had been abandoned on the way to Valhalla and was subsequently handcuffed to a column at the Acropolis with the hot pink feather bower in question. Quite a knot you did there, Sagittarius! Three passing monks had tried to undo it the morning after, but that knot was NOT budging! What utter craftsmanship!

CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19

Capricorn, I would not be exaggerating if I told you that you spend most of the night standing in the corner of the kitchen, giving it your all with a spectacular performance of jazz fingers. Yes, not jazz hands, but jazz fingers. Because, you, Capricorn, know your worth, and the effort vs. reward algorithm worked out in favour of the latter. It was quite mesmerising to behold, you bewitched me, in fact. You had me utterly transfixed. Even when we were on our way to the club. And even as I write this now, I can’t be sure I’m not still under your spell… (But I’m an ORAC- hang on a minute…..) Where am I exactly? And why have I lost all feeling in my toes? Umm… no but seriously…….????? Could someone tell me what the fuck is going on? ???