Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthly Horrorscope | April

HaLLO FRIENDS<<<<<<<WhAts GoOOD??? IF IT SEEMS THAT I AM MORE FRANTIC THAN USUAL THEN JUST KNOW THAT I AM WRITING FROM A MORE ENLIGHTENED space and timeFRAME OF BEING>>>>I have been struggling coming to terms THE NEW ALLIGNMENT CHART.>>>>its ALL THE RAGE at the oracle here at DELPHI right now……..****skips to the end***SO basically it goes like this, yeh:

Anyways FRIENDS<<<<<<<so after spending most of the last lunar cycle being a <<silly sybil?? I AM NOW MOVING IT UP A NOTCH TO <<<CRAZY SYBIL>>>??? so IF IT SEEMS THAT I AM MORE FRANTIC THAN USUAL THEN JUST KNOW THAT I AM WRITING FROM A MORE ENLIGHTENED space and timeFRAMe of mind.

ARIES____________________________________ POV : you’re the hot <guest lecturer>

Its 9am. The double-doors to the amphi-theatre swing open and illuminate your coordinated-cardigan-&-keep-cup combo before your adoring student-age audience. You're not like the other lecturers, you're not a regular lecturer, you're a <guest lecturer>. And with that in mind, the NERDS in the front row hang on to your every casual Proust reference like it might be their last. So keep plugging your new book on <Morality&Sex> because, we all know WHY we are here (Yes, I'm talking about Morality&Sex). Of course, once the designated 50 minutes is up, you can take off the false-lens-glasses and return to your real profession as a Calvin Klein model. Sure; Your adoring young crowd will miss you sorely. But, let's be honest, they'll be seeing you again just before the mid-semester student satisfaction survey is due.

TAURUS___________________________________ POV: its the summer of 1244, but this time round, you’re a member of <The Virtue>

Well, Taurus, we have good news and bad news. The good news is that you have reincarnated as a member of a dualistic religious sect in the South of France. The bad news is that: its the Battle of Beziers and your herecy faces imminent threat from feudal overlords. You are left with only two options. Either denounce your gods and face the rest of your indeterminate mortal years in spiritual turmoil. Or: break the cycle of suffering once and for all and become a Martyr  cult-hero . Sure, I know what you're thinking. Its not so easy being part of The Virtue. The only ever pre-modern lifestyle choice that advocates veganism and intermittent feminism. It really is just too ahead of its time. About 800 years. Try again harder next time.

GEMINI___________________________________ POV: you just slipped in a meat stock cube into your <vegetarian french onion soup>

"Vegetarian" A:   Why is it so <meaty> ?
      "Vegetarian" B: Oh, its just you know...<umami>, 
"Vegetarian" A: but why does it taste so smokey?
      "Vegetarian" B: That'll be the paprika
"Vegetarian" A: God it really packs in a flavour, doesn't it?
      "Vegetarian" B: Oh that's just cos I marinated it before
"Vegetarian" A: hey... is that a chicken bone I can the....?
      "Vegetarian" B: NO. Its just tofu
"Vegetarian" A: why can I hear mooing though?
       "Vegetarian" B: that will be the cow I brought in for the soup ritual sacrifice.

CANCER_____________________________________POV: first night out after <COVID>, your having pre-drinks with the girls

EVen though its early evening, you have just managed to unironically spill your second glass of merlot onto your flatmates white slip-dress. Although you might be able to make light of the situation, and brush it off with a joke about that scene from Carrie; your fltamate is not having any of it. "I havent worn this dress since my quinceañera, you meanie bitch!!!!" You wonder what time you guys can finally head to Da Club but before you have a chance to unironically sing "We like to drink with Cancer, cos Cancer is our mate, we like to drink with Cancer, she drinks it down in eight-seven-six-five..." your friends are already putting you to bed. Unironically of course. Jesus christ, your tolerance has turned to shit. Must try harder.

LEO________________________________________ POV: You’re in the sculpture room at the Louvre, but this time, you’re the <art>

What wouldn't you do for art? If your answer is "there's practically nothing that I wouldn't do for art" then that's great, Leo. Because this time round, YOU ARE THE ART. Specifically a marble rendition of Venus, as imagined by one of our favourite Italians.  And its all well and good, being art, being so beautiful, having all the gallery visitors admire your perfect stillness and nudity. BUT having to listen to all their excruciating gallery chat is going to require some serious self-restraint. Nothing leaves a more sour taste in your pallete than banal gallery chat. SO my prophetic words of wisdom are as follows: just keep calm and visualise  erotic  exotic fruit. That's right. Close your eyes and imagine you are pineapple. TRUST ME, it works. (like n subscribe 4 more erotic exotic fruit life hacks) 

VIRGO_____________________________________ POV: you’re the main character in a <bilingual cop show>

Если ты сейчас это читаешь, Дева, поздравляю! ты получил роль! вы будете в новом телесериале! Так что пакуй свой портфель, потому что ты собираешься в Москву, детка. Я также открою вам небольшой секрет, потому что в последнее время вы ведете себя очень хорошо. Секрет в следующем: в ближайшие недели я собираюсь начать собственное радио-шоу. И я надеялся, что смогу использовать твой голос? Что вы думаете? Напишите мне, если вам интересно. И, пожалуйста, никому об этом не говори. При свете полной луны мне пришлось подписать клятву хранить тайну. Так серьезно, пожалуйста, держите эту новость при себе.

LIBRA_____________________________________ POV: A distance relative dies, turns out you’re <hella rich>

Does your indecisiveness know no bounds? .......? And no, obviously I can't expect an actual answer, not from you, Libra. But anyways, all that new mullah ££££$$$$$$ is not exactly going to spend itself. Still unsure whether to invest in your local ethical wind-farm? Well it just so happens that I myself have been working on my own little business start-up. And I thought I might take this liberty to give you my elevator pitch. Seeing as we are both here, and the lift has broken down. So basically, my enterprise is targeted at young digital nomads (like yourself, Libra) and it involves generating enough mullahh £££$$$$$$$ to provide good lighting and quality workspace. As you know, space on Earth is at such a premium, I am envisioning exclusive transportation of our clients to better-equipped neighbourhoods in the Outer Cosmos. Either on The Moon or Orion's Belt. That's where you come in (I need 4 billion for my first deposit). 

SCORPIO____________________________________POV: freshers week 2k18 and you’re a <nihilist>

If anything, its just a testament to the arbitrary nature of "fate" that you are having to spend freshers at your fourth choice University. Because of it just proves, if anything, the total randomness of the Universe. You know? That you failed your A Levels; and <incidentally> got rejected by your top three choices. Yet here you are. And if anything, you are in a position of authority. Because at the tender age of nineteen, you've already embraced <nihilism>. Unlike your peers, you can waltz into any ScotMid or Marjiotta and effortlessly select your alcoholic beverage of choice WITHOUT being overwhelmed by the <ILLUSION of choice>. If anything, its just your demonstration of <free will> that you always go for Buckfast. Likewise, its just a display of your total <acceptance of the lack of meaning in the universe> when you decide to drink the entire bottle at pres'.

SAGGITARIUS_____________________________ POV: you’re <the father>

Did you know that being a father is actually very rewarding? In fact, it's not such a dissimilar trade to my own line of work. That is, the service provided is very much the same: dishing out unsolicited life advice, for the sake of the 'greater good'. And sustaining a constant rotation of stock jokes. None of which with traditional punchlines, of course. To give you an example, 
     "Hey, Saggitarious, why did the chicken cross the road?"
           "Um, Sybil, I don't know. WHy DID the chicken cross the road?"
                   "Quit your whining and get a real job, you lazy  bitch....."

CAPRICORN_______________________________ POV: you have just discovered <YOUR song>

You have just heard, for the first time, Janet Kay's rendition of <Capricorn WOman>. And: This might be a song that changes your life completely. Even though it is definitely emitting some strong chaotic evil energy. Hell, ESPECIALLY because it is emitting some strong chaotic evil energy. But I suggest that you ride that wave you, you Capricorn WOman, you! But keep in mind that once you've used up your maximum plays of it on your spotify non-premium account, you WILL have no other choice but to learn how to play it on your lute. And that's awesome! Just think of the satisfaction- fit only for a Capricorn woman with so much love to give, this time round accompanied by those <mystical magical capricorn cadences> to show for it. 

AQUARIUS________________________________POV: The <fate of fashion> rests on your shoulders

Its all up to you now, Aquarius. I'm so up to my neck in prophetic commitments that organising the Fashion World, on top of everything else, is too much responsibility for me alone. So I am delegating you with some new duties. To start with, you can decide next season's trends. And although the illusion of choice can be intimidating, you have no choice but to choose wisely. Or, alternatively, go fucking wild!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm talking: Crotchless flares. Cowboy Jackets. Kitten heels. Micro-beading. Manic-pixie-dream-girl fringes. Pink tafetta double breasted ball gowns. Rings on every finger. McDonalds branded workwear as streetwear. And that's just to give you a few preliminary ideas to bounce off of!!!

PISCES_____________________________________POV : your falling in love, <with yourself>

Romance is alive and magic afoot. The cherry blossom in the Meadows is blooming <just in time> for your Annual Relationship Status Evaluation. And guess what? The public display of affection amongst all the picnicking couples is making you feel rather nauseous. Rather nauseous indeed. When you get home, you take a long hard look in the mirror. "Yep, still single," you say, but on closer look, as a golden ray of springtime sunlight falls on your side profile, "Hey you're actually kinda peng still, can I talk to you?" you ask yourself, respectfully. And in that moment, sliding a sprig of plucked cherry blossom behind your left ear, your mirrored reflection reacts completely independently of itself: " WOah, EASY TIGER! Buy me a drink first?" ANd just like that, you are falling in love again, but this time round, with yourself. Before wasting anymore time getting to know each other, or comparing life-goals, or meeting the parents,( check, check AND CHECK) you are diving headfirst into a whirlwind springtime love affair. I just this one lasts till summer. 

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