Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthly Horrorscope | December
Oh, it’s a wonderful time of year! Don’t you just love December? All forms of previously socially unacceptable behaviours become totally valid! Mass consumerism, Michael Bublé getting routinely excavated from wherever the hell he has been all year, and the population of under-12s wait for a fat white man to break into their house and give them the latest apple gadget, whilst the rest of us wait impatiently for an excuse to start drinking at 11am.
And though I predict those of you in the northern hemisphere will be experiencing some festive, freeze-your-nuts-off kinda weather, over here in Ancient Greece, I will be spending the month working on my tan, and trying to permanently erase the image of Socrates in a yellow speedo. I told the sibyls that is was a mistake to gift that man Borat last Christmas, but did they take heed of their all-knowing psychic bratha? No, of course they didn’t. Sure, he’s got the legs for it, but I rather think someone should mention to him that SOME things are better left to the imagination… Nevertheless, I must admit that this time of year does bring out the ol’ softie in me, making me nostalgic for the old days. A simpler time, when men folk paraded around in those dashing togas, and didn’t try and accost us all with surprise visions of the crown jewels. This isn’t Geordie Shore, for goddess’ sake!
Anyway, I will not let this dampen my festive spirits! Oh, and I almost forgot! Your beloved prophet is in need of a few little bits and bobs, so if any of you were stuck for what to gift me this Christmas, here are some modest ideas for your humble psychic servant:
- A gold-gilded chariot and two anamorphic celestial donkeys – the old whip just really isn’t cutting it these days
- A truckload of whatever it is that J. Lo is taking to make her aging process practically non-existent (the woman was born in 1969 and has the skin of a prepubescent anime character. Flawless.)
- A nice bottle of the finest 3000 BCE monastery-brewed honey mead (and I mean the good stuff, I don’t want any of this ridiculous 3.5% malarkey. If I was looking to get a mild buzz, I would just drink expired apple juice.)
Just a few things to consider gifting me this month! Send them my way…
The Notorious S.I.B, The ancient oracle sanctuary of Delphi, Acropolis Street, Ancient Greece, Greece (more or less), AG6 6DS
AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18
Aquarius, listen up, the world needs you this month. The internet is raging with a ferocious debate, a positively Freudian dilemma plaguing every waking hour of the millennial existence. And only you, my dear Aquarius, can save any hope we have of surviving this turbulent discourse, and seeing out the new year without the dregs of confusion, anger, bewilderment, and mistaken fashion jargon. That’s right : yoga pants or flared leggings? It’s a battle for the ages, an inter-generational conflict that has righteous millennial crusaders pitting themselves on the side of ‘yoga pants’, raging against the new gen-X rebranding of the stretchy pantwear as ‘flared leggings’. It is a fraught affair indeed. Forget nuclear war, environmental disaster; this debate very well may be the end of the tellurium existence as we know it. And so it falls to you, Aquarius, for you are both beloved and respected by the people, who will no doubt end this horrifying conflict when you, with all your fashion savvy and years of trouser experience, make it known the true name of these (frankly, quite *hideous*) mortal leg-covers. So, this month take your rest and prepare for the battle ahead. Eat many a bowl of porridge to keep your strength ; watch many a YouTube ‘haul’ video to keep up with current affairs ; and, most of all, meditate on this matter in the privacy of number 11, Downwind Street, and be ready when the time comes to give the internet people their answer. Godspeed, Aquarius, we are counting on you to save Christmas from all out stretchy-pant pandemonium.
PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20
Pisces, my lovely fishy friend, let me begin by complimenting you on that really rather fetching ensemble you will don on the 15th December. It is quite the aquatic look, perfect for your divine scales and tail (which, I may say, is looking perky this month!). However, fabulous frocks aside, I must warn you that you are entering a precarious dimension, a slippy slope of simultaneous self-criticism and inability to take your eyes off of your own, dashing reflection. Now may not be the time to develop an egomaniacal emperor complex. To the contrary, now is the time to reconnect with those in your life who may have fallen off their inter-planetary alignment lilo and into some dangerous, scientifically-proven waters. These are the moral plebeians who scoff at the ways of the celestial prophecies. They claim that it is nothing but millennial swosh, designed to ”herd us like sheep to the slaughter, towards ever increasingly predictable consumerist behaviour”. That is why, sweet Pisces, this festive period it is imperative that you right these mortal minxes, and direct them straight to www.psychicsibylmerch.com, where they can now buy all of their long-desired PsychicSibyl™ wares! Complete with the 2025 PsychicSibyl™ Holographic Calendar, the PsychicSibyl™ Toga Pyjama set, and not forgetting the Christmas exclusive PsychicSibyl™ Christmas Tree Topper, available in civilian taupe, celestial noir, and skeptic pink!* Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, Pisces!
*Please allow up to 3 human decades for shipping.
ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19
Attention, attention. My psychic senses are tingling and all of my less menacing predictions indicate that the month of December will be highly turbulent. Aries, you should be prepared to face some revolutionary transformations. That’s right, I’m talking lunar eclipse levels of seismic shifts in your planetary equators. And it’s not only this lunar eclipse that will have you making crazy, irrational decisions on the quotedien, but this month will also see us traversing a solar eclipse on the 13th. Luckily for you, this will not be occurring on a Friday, and so will not add to the lingering paranoia you feel regarding your neighbour, and the decreasing number of herb plants in your lockdown ‘garden’. And yes, I am using that noun generously. Although external forces may have you disregarding these sentiments as latent cabin fever neurosis, alike to that which was experienced in the various circles of Dante’s Inferno, and condemned as the nonsense behaviour of a 5G preacher, don’t be so easily swayed. You may not be as deluded as they have you believe, Aries…
TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20
Taurus, bienvenue! Ça va? Quoi de neuf? I have heard on the grapevine that you may be getting ready to take a trip to a new and magical land. How exciting! Now, in lieu of giving you some boring update about the inner peace, personal liberté and creative exorcism that you will be experiencing this festive period, I thought it would be more helpful to help you pack for your upcoming excursion to this extraterrestrial land. I am an excellent judge of potential catastrophes, and I always know when to pack an umbrella. So, here is a list to get you prepared for your travels :
- A clavichord, vihuela, or tabor of your choice so that you can make an ‘on the road’ concept album of medieval bard remixes
- A long faux-leather trench coat in black – or red, if you’re feeling *spicy*- I’ll leave that up to you
- One sentimental personal asset, such as a life-sized cardboard cut-out of your favourite TV chef personality
- Euros. Canadian dollars. Yen. Bitcoin. We don’t know what the end of this year will bring, so it’s probably best to be prepared
- Garlic, lots of garlic
GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21
Gemini, you dirty stop-out! While the rest of the mortal world is unhappily chaining themselves to the 12m2 of their over-priced city apartments, you sneaky lot are busy mapping an underground tunnel system from which to host your epic Project-X NYE extravaganza. The mole-rat life is not something you might have predicted for your last month of 2020. I, on the other hand, knew all along that there was a ground-dwelling instinct laying dormant in your squishy, human insides. Much like those freaky animated foxes who feature in the Wes Anderson cannon, you are taking matters into your own hands, and digging for your goddamn right to par-tay. And whilst the current major political leaders do in fact strikingly resemble Boggis, Bunce et Bean, I think you should take a hot sec, put down that bloody shovel and examine the state of affairs in your own spiritual aura. Putting all of your eggs in one basket will only ever give you scrambled eggs, what with all the frantic digging you have been doing lately. Are you picking what I’m laying down here, Gemini? The last time a certain someone (who I will not name for legal reasons) got jiggy with it, and started thinking he could excavate his own personal Valhalla in the middle of the Elysian Fields, he ended up being transferred to the HR department of Underworld affairs. And believe me, Gemini, NO-ONE wants to be in HR. No-one. So, take heed, and think about staying above ground this month.
CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22
This Lunar Eclipse will have you, sweet Cancer, running around like a head-less centaur. Quite frankly, I don’t blame you. This season is plagued by the pressure to present the perfect physical symbols of what exactly all your closest friends and relations mean to you, and how much you’re willing to spend on them. As one of the more sensitive star signs, I would encourage you to let your feelings loose, and go all DIY this Christmas. That’s right. Gone are the days of M&S socks and panic-gifted Cadbury selection boxes. This year, connect with your inner Victorian seamstress, and whip out the embroidery hoop. If that fails (which, I’m sorry to report, it may well do…), just follow in the footsteps of yours truly, and sack the whole thing off! Yes, it is true: this Sibyl is not one for the whole Christmas thing, and while the rest of ancient Greece seems positively nutty for this Christian holiday, I much prefer the likes of the humble birthday. Specifically, my birthday, because, unlike Christmas, my birthday holds no expectation of reciprocation. Why give gifts, when you could simply receive gifts? Just some food for thought, Cancer dear. Oh! I almost forgot to warn you : watch out for inter-dimensional portals which may be lurking inside washing machines at your local Wash&Go- wouldn’t want to accidentally end up shucking corn in post-apocalyptic Ohio, now would you?
LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22
Greetings, Leo, welcome to the show. This month we will be discussing the saVage gene (ND453), a new discovery in human genetic studies which has allowed scientists to trace the patterns of cut-throat human behaviour, right back to when Cain murdered Abel over an unjust Mario Kart defeat. And guess what, Leo? This month, you will discover that you, yes YOU, also have this primal streak of cold-blooded savagery. With the influence of that scoundrel, 90s boy band reject, Mercury, orbiting around your astrological sphere, weak relationships will begin to dissolve and only the strongest bonds will survive. Bref, this is Darwin’s survival of the fittest. It’s time to cut those relationships that do not bring either (a) clout, or (b) monetary value to your IRL life. I mean, come on. If they ain’t on board with your latest sponsorship deal, and outright refuse to eat unproven dietary pills on your Instagram story, what is the point? Let’s face it, Leo, you live in the real world, where outside = bad, and 15 year-old TikToker’s are now dictating the stock-market value… It’s time to whip out that ND453, and let the people feel your-
“- incredibly soft, full-looking hair! All thanks to the WunderGreenPill! Just give this a like, [and unknowingly consent to giving me access to all of your personal data] and you could win a FREE one month subscription!”
VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22
What is that positively awful, rotting smell? Virgo, could that be the stink of your attitude I am catching a whiff of? Just kidding! Of course is isn’t! It is simply the stench of your enemies, stinking away in the confines of the cupboard under your stairs. Yes, it is true. December is the time for festive cheer, and you, Virgo, have set aside some time this wholesome season to finally sort out that arm-long hit-list that you have been collecting all year. Boy, oh boy, had it been building up! I was going to warn you about the negative effects of putting off all the imperative tasks on the to-do list, but it looks like you have it all under control! Bravo!
LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23
No-one loves this festive month more than you, Libra. You spend all year pissing off the population of Scrougous Sagittarius’, with your sunny disposition and fabulously radiant skin, but now it is finally Christmas season, and you my friend, can be as merry as a pig in muck. You may find yourself submitting to your deepest desire at the beginning of December- and when I say ‘may’, I mean definitely will; and when I say ‘deepest desire’, I mean, blasting non-stop Wham! tunes and dancing along in an unironic imitation of Rick Astley. The second half of the month will see you getting all hot and bothered over some reality TV show about farmers finding love. And whilst I would advise against going out and buying a farmer of your own in the current pandemic, I might suggest a little scoping out of your own local area. Bad-boy of the planets, Mars, will be making matters of the… erm… ‘heart’ much more successful during this time, so now is the time to get sniffing about for that potential post-quarantine cuffing partner.
SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21
Scorpio, how are you doing? Have you sufficiently recovered from your last month of utter debauchery and questionable life decisions? Well, settle in, the year is not yet up, there is still time for Mercury to royally fuck with your chakras. This festive period you will be experimenting with more personality changes that Cindy Sherman! One minute you’re trying on all of your best smoking jackets (I must say, you do look rather more approachable than usual in that persimmon velour), and then the next, you’re cosplaying as our favourite, and least problematic, founding father. This quasi-spirutuelle, mostly aesthetically driven cry for help, is undoubtedly a reaction to a sudden increase in the intensity of your chariot racing training. Don’t internalize all of this outward pressure. As the formally relevant reality television star, Miss Kourtney K, so elegantly put it : “Kim, there are people dying.” So, don’t get too wrapped up in your own internal existential crisis. Try some gong-bath practices to put things into perspective. And if all else fails, remember: If the Kardashians made it through 18 seasons relatively unscathed and only somewhat resembling genetically modified aliens, I’m sure you can make it through to the New Year without doing something drastic, like dropping out of the institution formally known as ‘university’ and giving yourself a mullet. Stay in (school), kids!
SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21
This winter season, you may receive an unexpected visit from an old friend, or a complete stranger, who will deeply impact your life going into the new year. Who is this half-man, half-furry beast, you may be asking yourself, as said half-man, half-furry beast proceeds to raid your kitchen in search of oak-aged cheese and hard liquor. I will just prepare you, as a gesture of good will, by informing you that this stranger is not an exceptionally hairy Jehovah’s Witness, come to make you repent for all that insider trading you have been dabbling in. No, no, Sagittarius, old buddy, old chum. This passing inconnu is in fact a ghost of Christmas’ Past, just dropping in to see what’s what in the year 2020. You may not recall your centaur days from that bygone era of 600 AD. Which makes sense, considering you were a raging lush, with a crazed sex-drive, and just couldn’t go a day without indulging in some VERY pre-Christian pursuits. Even I had to give you some leeway back in the day, but don’t think that means I have forgotten that you owe me a new pair of karpe-scale flared leggings (… or is it yoga pants? Aquarius, we really need you to settle this…), after your destroyed my only pair at the last Panhellenic festival. All in all, Sagittarius, I think you know which wrongs you need to right this December.
CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19
Capricorn, last month saw you unleashing some seriously potent, mind-altering mystic powers. I am only just about recovering from whatever it was that happened. Instead of trying to curb these new-found abilities, I encourage you to pursue this life of brujería during the month of December. In order to fully commit to your new sorceress existence, I have devised a three step plan of action. 1) Relocate, relocate, relocate – you are off your rocker if you believe that you can live a life of magic out in the open, in the day and age of cancel culture! So, the first logical step will obviously be to immediately sell all of your earthly possessions and relocate to a remote cave in the Appalachian mountains. 2) Develop a new language consisting largely of primordial grunts and obscure David Lynch references. 3) Just sit back and wait for graduate anthropologists to flock to you in desperate hoards, and fleece ’em for all they’re worth. Merry fuckin’ Christmas!