Psychic Sibyl: Your Monthly Horrorscope | May
Well, hello there. It feels like it has been an eternity since I last left you all to your own, hapless devices. Unfortunately, over here in ancient Greece, there has been absolutely no sign of any juicy interplanetary will-they-won’t-they liaisons, and thus I can only report that the hot girl summer has yet to take any concrete effect among the sex-starved inhabitants this side of the acropolis. I can, however, report that this manic psychic has been up to no good. And by no good, I mean some serious chaotic evil. Namely, I have started my own podcast. Now, I know what you are all thinking : thank the goddesses! Finally a worthwhile public broadcast not funded by tory bastards with an axe to wield over the impoverished masses and fraudulent renovation bills to hide! Yes, kidlets, Christmas and Easter and Hanukah and Noam Chomsky day have indeed come early for you naughty minxes! Do you deserve such a lavish and spiritually enriching gift? Frankly, no. But ever a benevolent creature, I have decided to put aside our most recent inter-species feuding, and have decided after all to give you this gift. It is called, The Witching Hour. To tell you anything more would simply be a cruel spoiler, as it would almost definitely make you feel instantly inferior, as if your lives could never amount to such intellectual prestige and make you want to immediately put on sweat pants and give up the game. I know, it sure is hard being a superior mystical being. But hey, I’m not gonna let all of this beauty and charm go to waste, now am I? So put those inferiority complexes away- they really are clashing with my ambient music choices- and get ready to hear the first episode of The Witching Hour. Oh and, of course, get your monthly dose of nebulous life advice from yours truly.
P.S. In the case that you were not awake at 3.03am for the premiere on Friday night, here is the recorded broadcast, rendered in immaculate pixels and harnessed across the cosmic pay gap to reach your earthling sphere. You’re welcome.
AQUARIUS | Jan 20- Feb 18
Oh hell no, Aquarius. HELL. NO. You did not just subconsciously decide to enter the cut-throat world of all female roller derby without inviting me to the party. I am, quite frankly, disgusted. Sure, you have spent a whole load of time this month psyching yourself up to finally brace the unseasonable chill that is blowing like an unruly child given free reign over the helter scelter, and get the hell out to find flat ground and practice your pirouettes. But, Aquarius, did you stop to think about your poor, discarded pre-Christian prophet? I, too, am partial to wheel transportation. But where was my invitation to the post-lockdown Beltane roller disco, huh? It has, admittedly, been a few decades since I whipped out the old skates, but that does not mean that I have forgotten the Earth, Wind and Fire routine. In other news, Aquarius, Saturn is looking all distant this month, which means that you will feel a great relief after having suffered under his tyrannical Brit pop phase this past lunar cycle.
[editing sibyl : I would just like to amend all previous passive-aggressive / just plain aggressive-aggressive comments regarding my exclusion from the roller derby fun. I have since received my patent gold skates in the celestial post. So… yeah. We can blame the back-up in earthling post on that whole Brexit thing. And hey now good lookin’, if you are feeling particularly impatient, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further inspire your roller skate choreography to see how a fellow groovy chick gets down to the mystic vibrations on the open sound waves.
PISCES | Feb 19- Mar 20
What an eco-warrior you have become, dear Pisces. It really is such a drastic transformation. And I for one am glad to see it. Greta may be considered a world treasure for her work campaigning for climate justice, but it seems that you will be entirely none the wiser this May, and will opt for the road less traveled in order to really gain an edge in the media coverage. Mars is looking a bit agitated this month, and this shift in his usually quite temperate mental attitude will cause you to take offense at the most inoffensive things. For example, if you take a stroll around your local neighborhood and find yourself becoming increasingly aware that the hoards of illegally gathered bins seem to be giving you the stink eye (particularity those smug green ones), then I’d say it’s time to get your affairs in order. Fighting food waste doesn’t actually mean that you have to fight food waste. For one, I’m not really sure that it constitutes a fair fight if you sneak up behind them like that and just start going ham on the straggly bits of wilted lettuce. If I were to give you any advice at all for this upcoming month, it would be to stop misinterpreting the visible presence of every inanimate object as a personal invitation to mortal combat. Why not channel your creativity, and innate distrust of actual people, and instead team up with the food waste? Together, I’m sure you can create something new and exciting. I have personally witnessed a great change in a fellow Pisces, Apollo. He has stopped with that ridiculous pipe-dream of ‘making it in the entertainment industry’, and has instead followed my sage advice to work for a higher cause. So he is currently fortifying single-origin spirits out of the discarded fruit that he finds in local food waste bins around the acropolis. It really has done a world of good for his diva tendencies. So consider this Pisces, otherwise I might have to interfere in a major way and break my pact to take a break from non-violent home invasions. And woah now, if you are feeling particularly devious this month, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further inspire your antagonistic eco strategy to see how an extremely talented pod-caster such as myself communicates a very specific and (as of yet) widely unaccepted political message to the malleable masses.
ARIES | Mar 21- Apr 19
Okay, Aries, the jig is up. We all know that you can do it now, so why suffer any longer in the name of art? Of course, this particular variety of artistic expression is the epitome of low-brow art and deserves little more than a back page review in the local arts and culture fan zine, which is harboring a vendetta against all systems of authority and plans to release it’s anti-fascist gardening campaign in the next year. Listen, Aries, I am here to tell you : that’s enough now. Consult the chart, if you must. May is the dawn of a new era for your relative attractiveness, and it’s time to get peng. Spend the changing of the hours on the evening of the 5th preparing yourself. Those cosmic vibrations are not going to absorb themselves, so perhaps consider a two to three inch layer of PVC to really get the ball rolling. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Adwoa Aboah didn’t get that hot by just letting the earth’s vegetate rays just wash over her, entirely unharnessed. No, no, no. What do you think this is, Aries? You have to be the change you want to see in the world. So get up off of that unmade bed, and start making the most of this coming month. Your friends may resent you for getting so suddenly and entirely unfairly attractive, but hey! It may be time to get some new, hotter friends anyway! I suggest trolling the Instagram liked page and filtering down the locale to really make the most of your search and avoid unnecessary travel costs. And hey now, if you are feeling particularly attractive this May, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further emphasize your particular beauty to see how easy life is for those who hide behind the safety of online auditory mediums (of which, I of course am the exception. I promise you, I am very attractive both on and offline).
TAURUS | Apr 20- May 20
The breadbin is not where I would have pictured you spending the most glorious month in the Gregorian calendar, Taurus dear, but this is indeed where you will be laying down roots. Perhaps your minor beef with all glutenous products will cease this month thanks to the particularly low lying full moon in the later half of the earth’s orbital sphere. Oops, sorry, I’ll repeat that last bit. It seems that the frequency of your internet connection is currently compromised due to the metal insulation of your new bread bin dwelling. Not to worry, Taurus, you are so stubborn and committed to this new extremist life style, that I’m sure anything I say will just go in one sour dough boule and out the other. This new lifestyle choice may be hard for your family and friends to come to terms with at first, but don’t worry, by the end of May your mother will have accepted that this is not ‘just a phase’, and will cease her attempts to coax you out with promises of yeast-free goods and a nice and toasty alternative living situation in the newly available oven. I say that you focus all of your free energy honing your cognitive dissociation and testing out the rather glorious acoustics in your new abode. And hey, if you are feeling particularly self destructive, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further aggravate your manic tendencies to see a fellow digital nomad thriving and entirely eclipsing your own hollow internet fame.
GEMINI | May 21-Jun 21
I know that nearly a year of seeing exactly zero other human people and spending 24/7 locked inside your bathroom, curled up in the bath and trying to remember a time when simple things brought you some kind of genuine emotion, has felt like a lifetime. It has been rough. But, hey! Your sims are living their best lives! Forty-seven generations in, on the slowest time settings possible (without cheats, might I add) and they are thriving! Mega rich, hotter than their ancestors could ever have dreamed, and they have finally succeeded in murdering off all of the Landgraabs and stealing their prized plot of land in Willow Creek. This really has been a most productive year for you! But, Gemini, old buddy, old chum : have you thought about possibly, maybe, potentially, dipping your toe in the REAL WORLD™. I know, I know, a crazy thought! But May is indeed the time in which all of the flowers being to blossom and all the crazy bitches come out of their winter hibernation. Perhaps you could be one of those crazy bitches! What do you say? On the first of the month, what say you to a little foray around the local park? And please, if you do eventually decide to interact with one of these other human creatures, let’s keep those questions about why none of the other sims in the park posses a green triangle to ourselves, okay? People have been put away for less insane crackpot theories than that. And hey there, if you are feeling particularly emotionally unavailable this month, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further encourage your hectic hermetic lifestyle to see what life could be like if you lived in a simulation of ye ole ancient Greece.
CANCER | Jun 22- Jul 22
Oh, Cancer. Sweet, sweet, foolish, Cancer. May will not be your month, my dear. And that’s okay. Sometimes we all have things we wish we hadn’t seen or heard. And sometimes it’s best not to talk- or even think- about what it is exactly that your flatmates get up to in the privacy of their own bedroom. Especially if your current flatmates are your parents. And hey, if you are feeling particularly like your wish you could gouge out your inner ear tubes with a fork and bury them under six feet of corrugated steel and soundproof insulation, I have the solution for you my little crab friend! (Because, let me tell you, the bedroom antics are only going to get stronger, and louder, and more unimaginably painful to listen to this upcoming month) So why not escape the incoming horror and corporeal dread, by popping in some earphones and having a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve as a healing balm to the trauma of the past few months. You’re welcome.
LEO | Jul 23-Aug 22
Leo, Leo, Leo. What are we going to do with you? Always the star of the show, the master of ceremonies, the most sought after quiz show panelist on daytime television. Beautiful, popular, charisma coming out of your glory hole- but wait, what’s that? Is that a moving image of you I spy, suggested to me by the witchcraft and mind-blowingly accurate intuition of the internet algorithm? Yes, it is indeed you, my dear Leo, rendered in pixelated perfection as what I believe the mortal kids are calling, a GIF. Of course, I think it would be more accurately labeled a moving snuff shot in your case, but who I am to judge? NO doubt, this will work out in your favour. Eventually. After years of apology tweets and the best PR representatives stationed 24/7 on various online reddit forms. This will all be worth it in the long run, I promise you. Just now might be time to legally change your government name and start looking for an appropriately chic off-grid living arrangement. Those vigilante groups really are on it these days. I’ll tell you, back in my day, only the most controversial indie bands were harassed via hate mail. And even then, only mild threats would be made. Nowadays, you human minxes are far more creative with your scare tactics. So… good luck with that this month, Leo! And woah there, if you’re feeling lonely in your undisclosed home county farm house hide-out, why not boot up the surround sound and bump a line or two whilst listening to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? It sure will help you pass the time and escape the paranoid schizophrenia that will begin to develop out there in the country.
VIRGO | Aug 23- Sept 22
By all the goddesses, aren’t you looking awfully perky this month? That illegal trip to your Scandi second home really has done wonders for your usually quite sallow complexion! I would perhaps suggest something a little more permanent to fix that terrible case of political pessimism that you will develop this month, but you will probably say that it’s not even worth the hassle. No matter, everyone loves an Eeyore. And you’re ultimately in a better position to prepare for the inevitable end- when it finally deigns to make an appearance. You always knew that those Preppers were onto something superficially profound (or was it profoundly superficial? I can never remember). Anyway, you will be served rather well this May by a fortuitous shifting in the planetary alignments. Notably, they have all agreed, rather begrudgingly, to let Pluto back into the squat and this historical decision will no doubt make things easier for you in regards to your love life. Why, you ask? Don’t look at me! I’m not a bloody magic 8 ball! All I know it that Pluto is back at the cool table, where the real planets sit, and this is making a certain someone in your wider circle look at you in a whole new light. Unfortunately for them, your political pessimism will be so ingrained by then that you may not even notice that love is right in front of you, holding some cheesy cue cards with ridiculous cliches written on them in sharpie, and asking you to be their summer f*ck buddy. Oh well, you will be far too busy wallowing in despair following the release of Borris’ doctored decorating receipts to even care. But hey, if you are feeling particularly politically disillusioned, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further deepen the hole of depressive thoughts that you are slowly but surely falling into, but at least you’ll be more comfortable and generally informed if you tune in!
LIBRA | Sept 23- Oct 23
Listen, Libra, I don’t know who told you that space-age gilded organza was the new denim, but I can only surmise that this is a person who has a deep-seeded ancestral vendetta against you, and wants to see your esteemed reputation in the online blogging community denigrated to 2012 pumpkin spice levels of trash. Don’t worry. This can all be fixed. I have a little experience in PR, what with all that nasty business circa 1778 involving one Miss Marie Antoinette and a misquoted leak to the press regarding cake. Anyway, I was young and inexperienced then, but I can assure you that I am now an excellent political ally and that the unfortunate resulting incident involving the guillotine had nothing to do with my lack of attention to detail. I did not, as Louis-Auguste so rudely implied, ‘drop the ball’. Thus I can advice you with great certainty that no matter how many online trolls with congenital grudges try to deface your good name and (somewhat) stellar track record, you will overcome with poise, intellect and a good heaping of primordial grunting. Nevertheless, you should try to reduce all Parmesan consumption, as the next full moon in Libra might cause some major bowel disruptions, and you really don’t want to be caught short on the way to your first post-quarantine outdoor function. If you really must, a sprinkle of emmental is fine, but you’d better postpone brunches and blind dates taking place more than ten yards away from a suitable bog, at least for the next month or two. And hey now, if you are feeling particularly spicy, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further activate your creative juices to see a fellow fashion icon selling her unattainable lifestyle to the mortal realm.
SCORPIO | Oct 24- Nov 21
Oh, Scorpio. The full moon is looking intense this month (and no-one wants that to be described as ‘intense’ by their underdeveloped peers in the high school yearbook), and ding ding ding! guess what? No, this is not me sounding the alarm to signal the end is nigh, and you should not begin to manically ebay all of your earthly possessions in attempt to earn some last minute cash to blow on designer methamphetamines and really expensive French cheese, in a last ditch attempt to carpe diem the shit out of this doomsday apocalypse. Actually, I was thinking more along the spiritual enlightenment tract. Like, it’s about fucking time you lightened your metaphysical load before the moon starts acting all shifty, doing late night data trading with the horizon and really starts to play havoc with your already dicey moral compass. If the name of this game really is ‘live fast, get rich, and don’t let the pigeons get you down’, then may I suggest, dear Scorpio, that you take some time to realine yourself on the Chart. I am of course talking about the Manic Psychic Chart (see fig. 1). Apparently May signals the descent into summer for you Gregorian calendar abiding folk, so now is probably the time to buck up and put all of that *intense* spiritual narcissism aside. How can you expect to synthesize to your full potential if you are so emotionally bunged up? P.S. I would go for the brown suede if I were you; you already own so many black leather trench coats and the intergalactic government officials may not be best pleased if you turn up to yet another court hearing wearing nothing but perspex kitten heels and a variation of the same black trench coat. It really is distracting to the other astrological deviants. And hey, if you are feeling particularly self-hatey, why not have a listen to my new podcast, The Witching Hour? I’m sure it will only serve to further aggravate your self-destructive tendencies to see a fellow Scorpio thriving and looking way hotter than you ever could (even over radio frequency).
SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22- Dec 21
True to your nickname, The Archer, you will spend the upcoming month shooting down innocent passing birds and being a general pain in the ass. Or arm. Or anywhere, really. Those new steel-tipped arrows you will acquire are really something. You are definitely not lacking motivation, Sagittarius, and May will be the time for you to feel at once proud of all your personal and professional achievements, whilst gaining an excellent level of holier-than-thou superiority that you will wield over the mere mortal procrastinators that surround you with all the deranged enthusiasm of a highly functioning emotional dictator. Be kind to those chronic slackers, and exercise compassion- not everyone can be as goal-oriented and manically productive as you. Some of us need to sleep, you know. Well, not me. Most nights I find myself being mysteriously awoken at exactly 3.03 am, and am gripped by a sudden urge to broadcast my happenings to the mortal world. Next time you’re feeling truly agitated, or impassioned, or really any categorized human emotion that makes you want to grab the ol’ bow and arrow and let one rip, take a second. Consider your options. This upcoming lunar cycle will aid you in practicing a more calm and serene attitude to life. So next time you are feeling particularly stabby, head over to The Witching Hour page, and tune into my new pod! That’ll sure help with all those raging desires to impale any innocent pedestrians from your conveniently located top floor bed sit!
CAPRICORN | Dec 22- Jan 19
Much like your once removed half cousin on your mother’s ancestral lineage, Hera, goddess of war, you Capricorn will be experiencing an exciting burst of violent energy this month. No worries, this is all under control. I managed to get that fiery distant relative of yours under control back in ancient Greece, and now Hera is thriving! She attends anger management once a millennium and has most recently joined a cross-stitch club that meets weekly at the acropolis to get crafty and discuss their issues in a non-violent manner. It’s been really good for her. So you might want to also consider nipping these little *temper tantrums* in the bud this May, before things get ugly and they start to talk about you as if you are an inanimate objects who needs to be ‘put away’. Why not put your efforts to more pacifist ventures? Your interdisciplinary interests paired with your unwavering self-discipline will lead you to create a moderately successful think tank this month. Think niche, frivolous, and ultimately meaningless. If you are, however, looking to considerably increase your net worth and gain the respect of other like-minded Capricorns and those few Scorpio’s that you really admire/fear, why not check out my new podcast, The Witching Hour?